Feral Cats and Wing Dings

I wish I could go back to the days when I'd open Netflix and not be visually assaulted by the video of some fat shirtless fuck attempting to do stand-up comedy. There are thousands of streaming options to showcase on the home page, Netflix, and you choose this talentless wildebeest? *

Save it for your your dimwitted sister-cousins and uncle-brothers, pal.

What else... Let's hear it for online AA meetings! Sobrietayyy!

Selected musicians/bands I'd like to listen to more of:
Richard Buckner
Bombay Bicycle Club
The Rosebuds
Blue Mountain
Treetop Flyers
The Rural Alberta Advantage
Cara Dillon

Oh and apparently, Horsemen 9 through 12 were bitching about being left off the February 21st post (read it, it's not so terrible!), so here you go, you greedy bastards. Reserves to the reserves, backups to the non-playmakers, thank you for your service:

Horseman 9: Morning Breath
Horseman 10: Ailurophobia
Horseman 11: Ingrown Toenails
Horseman 12: Boredom

Well, that'll do it.

* You can do better !
Preach, Dikembe!

The Adventures of Flan Lady and Pancake Man!

(Dramatic orchestral score)
Flan Lady and Pancake Man!
Fuckin' shit up and makin' criminals pay!
Eatin' flans and pancakes and makin' a stand
They're mentally unwell but that's ok!
Tryin' to do good as long as they're able
The most feared duo at the kitchen table!

Just when you think this blog's sunk as low as it can go, there'a trap door... 
(fart sounds)

Danger factor for various public health concerns 
(0 to 10 scale)
Influenza: 4.2 - Typically results in 50,000 + deaths per year worldwide
Coronavirus: 3.1 - Biggest problem here seems related to a nation-wide toilet paper shortage
Pabst Blue Ribbonvirus: 7.9 - A much deadlier contagion with symptoms that include a massive reduction in IQ, loose stool*, and an all-consuming obsession with the movie Blue Velvet

* Too bad you a-holes took all the T.P., eh?

Hang in there, buddy.

The Unsung Heroes

This post is dedicated to the back-ups to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

Horseman 5: Excessive Flatulence 

Horseman 6: Marital Strife

Horseman 7: Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Horseman 8: Lupus

Your names may never have made their way into the Good Book, but you were reliable reserves to the Big Four, and I’ll be damned if you couldn’t ride like hell.

In other news, the Countdown to Springtime is underway:

27 Days, 12 Hours, 57 Minutes...

Huzzah! Down with the Groundhog, Huzzah!

That's right, you little bitchass rodent, your time is nearly up!

Happy Valentine's Day, or...

Happy:

Voodoo Doll

Voluptuous Dolphin

Vandalized Doorknob

Vicious Demagogue

Violent Doberman

Vaporous Daybreak

Vaginal Drainage

Voracious Dendrophile

Vicarious Daydream

Vulgar Deviant

Veal Drizzle

Vin Diesel

Viola, Delaware

Vampire Dogs

Modified lyrics of The Star-Spangled Banner replacing every fifth word with "porcupine":

Oh, say can you porcupine by the dawn’s early porcupine?

What so proudly we porcupined at the twilight’s last porcupine?

Whose broad stripes and porcupine stars through the perilous porcupine,

O’er the ramparts we porcupined were so gallantly streaming?

Procupine the rocket’s red glare, porcupine bombs bursting in air

Porcupined proof through the night porcupine our flag was still porcupine

Oh, say does that porcupine-spangled banner yet wave

O’er porcupine land of the free porcupine the home of the porcupine?

Why do I do these things?

Finally, a well-earned pat on the back to Bruins rising superstar David Pastrnak. His recent hat trick against the Canadiens put him back at the top of the league in goals with 41. Keep up the good work, sir!
Hats off to you!

Don't worry.
We'll get those teeth fixed later, buddy!

Give it to me straight, Doc... is it lupus?

Fun facts about Reno, Nevada:

Nicknamed “Biggest Little City in the World”

A mere 22 miles from Lake Tahoe!

Population: approx. 251,000

Birthplace of WSOP star* Jennifer Harman

Home to the Diamondbacks AAA affiliate Reno Aces

Annual rainfall: approx. 7.48 in.

* term "star" used loosely

Words that ought to get more colloquial use:

Gloaming

Somnambulant

Woopie

Chap

Serendipity

Balustrade

Freewheeling

Spooky

In other news…

It’s that crap time of year in sports between the end of the NFL season and the start of Major League Baseball. Brace yourselves for a tough next six weeks. What’s that you say? We still have March Madness to look forward to? Spoiler alert: it’s fixed. 

And, there's no Santa. 

I'm callin' yer bluff, Magnolia

Like Justin Long's acting career, this blog just won't die!

Also like Long's acting career, no one seems to be paying any attention...

"You should take up smoking, Bill."
-Mike Tucker, co-worker

Things I've heard referred to as a "game changer" in the last month:
*Charmin flush-able wet wipes
*Patrick Mahomes
*The tiny house lifestyle
*Working the 12 Steps
*The Impossible Whopper

Super Bowl Predictions:
49ers win by 7
Mahomes throws for a hair under 300 yards
Shakira does not disappoint at halftime (though J-Lo proves to be well past her prime)

One may at this point be thinking:
Bill, it's been over 28 months since your last post. Surely, you must have more material in your repertoire than this trivial and poorly-conceived nonsense. 

To you I say... perhaps next time!


(poop emoji)

Amsterdam

Churches and trains
They all look the same to me now
They shoot you some place
While we ache to come home somehow

The Tube!

"Thank you, I ejaculated while I am still wearing my pants."
-anonymous YouTube reaction to Fleet Foxes' new song If You Need to, Keep Time on Me
(post clarifies the author's earlier and less coherent statement, "Thank I cum pant.")

Keep the inspired commentary coming, world!

Selected statistics of key underperforming MLB players through June 11, 2017:

Andrew McCutchen, PIT: .251 BA, .328 OBP, -0.1 WAR
Manny Machado, BAL: .213 BA, .289 OBP, .430 SLG
Kyle Schwarber, CHC: .171 BA, .677 OPS, -0.6 WAR
Miguel Cabrera, DET: .268 BA, .408 SLG, 5 HR, 28 RBI
Matt Carpenter, STL: .223 BA, .775 OPS
Johnny Cueto, SFG: 5-5 W-L, 4.33 ERA, 13 HR allowed
Jordan Zimmerman, DET: 5.72 ERA, 1.552 WHIP, 17 HR allowed

Finally, this author's hat goes off to Floramo's Restaurant in Chelsea. The Mixed Grille (a steal at $17.95) contained no less than:
a half rack of ribs
steak tips
turkey tips
grilled chicken
a giant sausage
half ear of corn on the cob

Flavor, portions, and service were all just right. Well done! We'll be seeing you again soon!

set adrift on memory bliss

Renaissance

Young man, 
Young man
Your arms are too short
to box with God

Search for Happiness

Stuff that has appeared in my dreams as of late:
Moose in the backyard of my family's old house
Angry frat boys
Thatched roof bars in Texas
Skinny guys from the 60's dressed like spiders
A hotel room with a spinning circular bed
Violent golf tournaments
A young Elvis Costello look-alike playing Irish folk songs outside an Asian massage parlor
Eels

Day 5.

The Life and Times of a Music Legend

We all love Cat Stevens, and many of us think we know his story. But look more closely and you’ll find there’s much more to the life of this singer-songwriter than what’s visible on the surface.

For instance, he was not born Cat Stevens, but rather made the decision in 1966 to change his legally given name of Barry Dickweaver. At first the British musician went by Cat Dickweaver, but soon realized he had failed to address the problem. He changed his last name to a plural first name and his transformation was complete.

Stevens rose to fame in the 1970s with classic hits such as “Wild World,” “Morning Has Broken,” “Sussudio,” “Enter the Sandman,” “Moonshadow," and "Return of the Mack." Stevens was later a regular fixture on Total Request Live with Carson Daly for nearly a year before he realized that it just was not worth it.

In many ways a product of a tumultuous era, Stevens wrote and performed his music during a time of critical social change in the American landscape. The Vietnam War, the free love movement, widespread drug experimentation, and Bruce Jenner’s sexual identity struggle were all at the forefront of the country’s psyche. Stevens’ soothing rhythm guitar, mild vocals, and general homosexual undertones suggested a hope for a more peaceful future.

While Stevens’ popularity thrived, the conflicts inherent in the political and social shifts eventually took their toll, and during a fit of rage in late 1978, the beloved guitarist changed his name back to Barry Dickweaver. In January of the following year, following the advice of the majority of his Twitter followers, Dickweaver settled on Yusuf Islam. He then converted to the Muslim religion, thinking it would be too weird not to.

In his later years, after listening to Cheryl Crow butcher a cover of one of his finest songs, Barry Cat Yusuf Stevens Dickweaver Islam retired from music to pursue his long dormant but never forgotten passion of tantric cave dancing. He was last seen in Iceland but his current whereabouts are unknown. 

Baby, it’s a wild world.

"This Cat's on the prowl..."

A Brief Argument for Peyton Manning over Tom Brady in the Greatest Quarterback of All-Time Discussion

(Patriots fans, don’t shit yourselves; just read and take this in, you borderline-illiterate lunatics)

Beginning at the Beginning: Peyton Manning was drafted by the worst team in professional football and in three years had turned them into a perennial division champion and playoff contender.

Tom Brady inherited a playoff- and Super Bowl-caliber team and led them to several championships, which shouldn't be a surprise. They were already amazing without him. Brady was handed the keys to a Cadillac, whereas Peyton Manning was directed to a broken down Ford Explorer that hadn’t run since 1992 and had bees in the trunk.

When Manning left the Colts, the team went into complete disarray; the Patriots are 11-6 in the Bill Belichick era without Brady under center. Every quarterback who’s ever been in their system has been successful… and no one who’s left it has done anything with any other team. Manning also went to Denver after neck surgery and in 2014 and had a record-setting year with an entirely new cast of characters. 

Let’s not confuse “greatest” with “most successful.” Or rather, greatness with success in general. Trent Dilfer and Joe Flacco have Super Bowl Rings. So do Doug Williams and Jim McMahon. Are they better than Dan Marino, Dan Fouts, or Jim Kelly? (think a moment before responding.).

Brady is unquestionably the primary cog in the greatest machine ever to take the field in the National Football League. But it is the system, not the quarterback, that makes this team winners. Keep in mind, Brady was on the sidelines for the game-winning plays in three of the five championships his teams won.

Finally, regarding the Win-Loss record between Brady and Manning head-to-head: Brady won 11 games versus Manning's 6. However, after the Patriots beat the lousy Colts teams he faced in the first 6 contests, Manning actually went 6-5 over the final 11 matchups between the two QBs... including 3 AFC Championship wins. All he needed was time for his teams to mature, something Brady didn't have to ask for, and in 17 NFL seasons, never has.

That being said, Manning holds most of the significant regular season all-time passing records and is a 7-time first team All Pro (no other player at his position has earned that distinction more than 3 times, and Brady has only gotten the nod twice). He was able to identify and pick apart opposing defenses like no other quarterback in history, and in the late minutes of a close game he was untouchable.

So to anyone with space left in their heads for a rational discussion about the greatest quarterback of all-time (and stop using GOAT, Pats fans; that distinction is for Jerry Rice and you know it), here you have it.

Go Bengals

Things I'd Like to See More of:
Bernese Mountain Dogs
White NFL wide receivers
Tapas restaurants
Nightman
Silly walks
Well-made horror films
.300 seasons for Robinson Cano
Open road
Physically fit women
Kharma at work
Semicolons
Little green ghouls
Discoveries of new species of squid/octopus
Lead actor roles for Michael Shannon*
Owls
well, that's enough for a Tuesday in January

* "I saaaid... hire me."
The man can flat-out act, folks.

Outrageous Pro Bowl Snubs, Part the Second

Philip Rivers, 2008: 4009 passing yards, 34 TD, 105.5 QB rating
Led the league in passing TD and Rating, but fat dummy Brett Favre still got the nod over him

Drew Brees, 2015: 4870 passing yards, 32 TD, 11 Int
In a year where 11 quarterbacks were named to the Pro Bowl thanks to 4 replacement picks, Brees still got the shaft

DeAngelo Williams, 2008: 18 rushing TD, 20 total TD, 5.5 yards per rush
Led the league in both rushing TD and overall TD

Below are the official high and low temperatures in Boston so far this year:
January 1: 44 / 33
January 2: 41 / 28
January 3: 44 / 39
January 4: 48 / 33

Not bad at all!

Finally, here are the chorus lyrics of Pearl Jam's "Better Man," in Spanish:

Ella miente y dice que está enamorada de el,

No puede encontrar a un mejor hombre 
Ella sueña en colores, sueña en rojo, 
No puede encontrar a un mejor hombre… 
Ohhhhh… 

Oh, Crap

A selected list of phrases the O.C. could stand for other than Orange County:

Ostrich Coop

Ornery Chameleons

Ocean City

Omnipresent Crust

Obese Chimpanzees

Olfactory Conundrum

Obsessive Crapping

Orderly Chaos

Office Chairman

Obligatory Cunnilingus

Outspoken Chef

Outrageous Pro Bowl Snubs, Part 1…

Isaac Bruce, 1995: 119 receptions, 1781 yards, 13 TD

1781 receiving yards is still 5^th most all time in a single season

LaDanian Tomlinson, 2003: 1683 rush yards, 725 receiving yards, 17 TD

2370 yards from scrimmage is 4^th most all-time in a single season

Matthew Stafford, 2011: 5038 passing yards, 41 TD, 16 INT

His team also went 10-6 after winning 8 combined games the previous 2 seasons

That's enough of that.

“Print is dead.” 

-Dr. Egon Spengler

Aye, but Blogging is alive and well!

More inspirational quotes? OK then!

“Everything I touch turns to shit.” – Matt M., co-worker

“I want to go across desert and meet scorpion band.” – anonymous YouTube post

“I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.” – Chris Kattan

A list of the most disappointing foods:

Apples

Spinach

Cashews

Frozen yogurt

Chocolate-covered tarantulas

Quinoa

Finally, good job, Major League Baseball, by making the correct picks for both leagues in the MVP, Cy Young, and Rookie of the Year Awards.

WAR doesn't tell the whole story, folks

But wait! There's more...

5. Albert Pujols

"It's not THAT big, guys!"

Key stats: 589 career home runs; 2-time World Series champion; 3-time NL MVP

Pujols? But he’s one of the game’s most celebrated players. True, but look at that ass! Put him in a pair of crusty grey sweatpants and Fat Albert becomes indistinguishable from the 30,000 other Walmart shoppers who every day continue to make this country a worldwide laughing stock. His last name is pronounced “Poo holes”… as in, “more than one”… for God’s sake.

6. Haile Gebrselassie

The silent assassin...

Key stats: 2 Olympic Gold Medals; 26:22.75 (10K) and 12:39.36 (5K) personal bests

Most grown men could throw this little guy head first through a basketball hoop. But in his prime, the dominative speedster set dozens world distance records and won back-to-back Olympic gold medals in the 10,000 meters (edging out Kenya’s Paul Tergat both times). He’s also set world records in the marathon, half marathon, and 20,000 meters. The Ethiopian native is a wonderful ambassador for the sport in a country that needs these kinds of success stories.

7. John Chaney

Why?

Key stats: 741 career collegiate wins; member of College Basketball Hall of Fame

Jesus God look at this guy!! (clears throat)… most of us remember John as the long-time head coach of Temple basketball. But before this bug-eyed weirdo took the reins of the Owls program, he was quite the player himself, competing in the Eastern Professional Basketball League with the Sunbury Mercuries (1955-63), the Williamsport Billies (1963-66), and the Altoona Ugly Fucks (documentation pending). On a lighter note, he also once threatened to kill John Calipari.

Finally, some AMAZING BUT TRUE FACTS!

There are over 300 currently recognized species of octopus

In 2015, Walmart sold more bananas than any other item

Tongue prints are as unique as fingerprints

Character actor Stephen Tobolowsky has 248 acting credits

The Big Bang Theory inexplicably has an IMDB rating of 8.4

Former MLB first baseman Norm Cash hit .243 in 1962, 118 points lower than the previous year

All that is gold does not glitter...

A List of Athletes Who Don’t (or didn’t) Look Like Athletes

1. Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox second baseman

why so confused?

Key stats: 2008 American League MVP; 4 Gold Gloves;.301 lifetime batting average; 2 World Series rings

Dustin is only about 5’8” tall, and he probably got picked last in sandlot games as a youth until the other kids saw how he could hit the ball. His unorthodox, lurching swing makes one’s back hurt just looking at it.

2. David Wells, former starting pitcher

over the line!

Key stats: 239 career wins; 3 All-Star appearances; 2 World Series rings

David looks like a guy who consistently bowls in the 170s or 180s in your Wednesday night bowling league, all while individually polishing off a case of Busch Light. While this no doubt makes him a good friend and valuable addition to your team, these skills don’t quite fit the qualification of “athlete.”

3. Sam Cassell, former point guard

"take me to your leader..."

Key stats: 15.7 career points per game; 3 NBA Championship rings; 1-time All-Star

He really looks less like a former professional basketball player than some sort of alien burn victim. Sam spent his 15-year NBA career with Houston, Milwaukee, Minnesota, and a couple others before retiring at the end of the 2007-08 season. He then took a job as a commentator so he can continue creeping us out on television, and currently works as an assistant coach with the LA Clippers.

4. Pablo Sandoval, third baseman (?)

he's the one in red, to avoid confusion

Key stats: 3 World Series rings; 2012 World Series MVP; 2 All-Star appearances

The “Kung Fu Panda,” a.k.a. “Round Mound of Pound” may have a well-documented weight problem, but that certainly hasn’t stopped him from – wait, what’s that? He ate so goddamn much this past winter that he got himself injured and missed the entire 2016 season? Pablo, your obesity has you standing underneath the MLB’s EXIT sign. Adjust accordingly. Fat fuck.

More to follow.

Brief life update: The move to Medford is imminent! 

Regarding Paul's Bullshit Fantasy Baseball League

The fix is in!

I've said it, and now all three of you who still occasionally read this blog have heard it!

Nightman (formerly Dayman) sits in last place, 10th out of 10, right in the basement, DESPITE having one of the strongest teams in the league.

How could this be??? You ask... well, quite plainly, I'm getting fucked.

See exhibit A...

What do you notice? Exactly. Teams are teeing off against Nightman, putting up numbers well above the league averages in nearly all categories. Awful!

But Bill, certainly you must be exaggerating. Your team's not getting gang banged by the Fantasy Baseball gods that badly...

Oh no? Please reconsider! See exhibit B...

Notice, that in a traditional rotisserie style league, Nightman (formerly Dayman) would be in 2nd place. Second! That's a -8 differential between Rotisserie and Head-to-head play based solely on the weekly match-ups.

Bill, you're 32 years old and have less than $4,000 in your savings account. Shouldn't you be focusing on your career and getting your life together instead of spending 2 hours creating excel sheets on your fantasy baseball team?

No comment.

Go Sox.

...and everything after

Reactions to Aug. 6 Counting Crows Concert:

The venue: very nice… high seating capacity yet good visibility of stage

The opening act (Rob Thomas): fine… the forty-something year-old women seemed really into it

The band itself: adequate

The front man: God awful… Adam Duritz’ clear indifference to the performance had nearly half the crowd heading for the exits well before the end of the set

Additional notes: won approx. $170 in blackjack and found a delightful restaurant at the New London Train Station

In baseball news…

The A.L. East race is heating up as three teams all find themselves within 1 game of each other in the standings, nearly 120 games into the season. And the best news of all: none of those three teams is the Yankees! *

Health notes:

Overall physical well-being: improved

Waistline: reduced

Aerobic capacity: marginally increased

Knee pain: less problematic

Achilles pain: sporadically improved

Mental health: still erratic

* Sorry, Gay-Rod

Final note: Sarah's back! Huzzah!