5. Albert Pujols
 |
| "It's not THAT big, guys!" |
Key stats: 589 career home runs; 2-time World Series
champion; 3-time NL MVP
Pujols? But he’s one
of the game’s most celebrated players. True, but look at that ass! Put him
in a pair of crusty grey sweatpants and Fat Albert becomes indistinguishable
from the 30,000 other Walmart shoppers who every day continue to make this
country a worldwide laughing stock. His last name is pronounced “Poo holes”… as
in, “more than one”… for God’s sake.
6. Haile Gebrselassie
 |
| The silent assassin... |
Key stats: 2 Olympic Gold Medals; 26:22.75 (10K) and
12:39.36 (5K) personal bests
Most grown men could throw this little guy head first
through a basketball hoop. But in his prime, the dominative speedster set dozens
world distance records and won back-to-back Olympic gold medals in the 10,000
meters (edging out Kenya’s Paul Tergat both times). He’s also set world records
in the marathon, half marathon, and 20,000 meters. The Ethiopian native is a
wonderful ambassador for the sport in a country that needs these kinds of
success stories.
7. John Chaney
 |
| Why? |
Key stats: 741 career collegiate wins; member of College Basketball Hall of Fame
Jesus God look at this guy!! (clears throat)… most of us
remember John as the long-time head coach of Temple basketball. But before this
bug-eyed weirdo took the reins of the Owls program, he was quite the player
himself, competing in the Eastern Professional Basketball League with the
Sunbury Mercuries (1955-63), the Williamsport
Billies (1963-66), and the Altoona
Ugly Fucks (documentation pending). On a lighter note, he also once threatened to kill John Calipari.
Finally, some AMAZING BUT TRUE FACTS!
There are over 300 currently recognized species of octopus
In 2015, Walmart sold more bananas than any other item
Tongue prints are as unique as fingerprints
Character actor Stephen Tobolowsky has 248 acting credits
The Big Bang Theory inexplicably has an IMDB rating of 8.4
Former MLB first baseman Norm Cash hit .243 in 1962, 118 points lower than the previous year
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