A List of Athletes Who Don’t (or didn’t) Look Like Athletes
1. Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox second baseman
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| why so confused? |
Key stats: 2008 American League MVP; 4 Gold Gloves;.301
lifetime batting average; 2 World Series rings
Dustin is only about 5’8” tall, and he probably got picked
last in sandlot games as a youth until the other kids saw how he could hit the
ball. His unorthodox, lurching swing makes one’s back hurt just looking at it.
2. David Wells, former starting pitcher
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| over the line! |
Key stats: 239 career wins; 3 All-Star appearances; 2 World
Series rings
David looks like a guy who consistently bowls in the 170s or
180s in your Wednesday night bowling league, all while individually polishing
off a case of Busch Light. While this no doubt makes him a good friend and
valuable addition to your team, these skills don’t quite fit the qualification
of “athlete.”
3. Sam Cassell, former point guard
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| "take me to your leader..." |
Key stats: 15.7 career points per game; 3 NBA Championship
rings; 1-time All-Star
He really looks less like a former professional basketball
player than some sort of alien burn victim. Sam spent his 15-year NBA career
with Houston, Milwaukee, Minnesota, and a couple others before retiring at the
end of the 2007-08 season. He then took a job as a commentator so he can continue
creeping us out on television, and currently works as an assistant coach with the LA Clippers.
4. Pablo Sandoval, third baseman (?)
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| he's the one in red, to avoid confusion |
Key stats: 3 World Series rings; 2012 World Series MVP; 2
All-Star appearances
The “Kung Fu Panda,” a.k.a. “Round Mound of Pound” may have
a well-documented weight problem, but that certainly hasn’t stopped him from –
wait, what’s that? He ate so goddamn much this past winter that he got himself injured
and missed the entire 2016 season? Pablo, your
obesity has you standing underneath the MLB’s EXIT sign. Adjust accordingly. Fat fuck.
More to follow.
Brief life update: The move to Medford is imminent!
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