Books that didn't make it through the publisher's screening process:

Charlie Manson's Children's Stories

War and Peace II: War, What is it Good For?

The Brief, Wondrous Life of Genghis Khan

The Kama Sutra for Quadruple Amputees

The Bourne Vasectomy

That's enough of that garbage.

Some of the worst bands in the world:

1) Creed

2) Rascal Flatts

3) Dashboard Confessional

4) All American Rejects

5) as always, Nickelback

You know who I like? Jeff Goldblum. He's alright by me.

God, what the hell happened to the good old days when these posts actually had a point to them?

I wanted this to be a more sophisticated entry than my fan(s) is/are used to. Do not expect any mindless lists, misguided anger, drastically inaccurate allegations, or pointless celebrity bashing which for so long has defnied this blog. From now on things are going to be different. So sit back, relax, if you're a girl put your legs behind your head, and I will tell you a story, one of great emotional depth that will touch you to the core.

On Farting

So when I started fourth grade we had a school-wide assembly to welcome the new principal. And he was an idiot, and tried to teach all the students different crap he’d had the kids at his other school do. If he asked us to give someone a standing “o” (short for ovation) we had to stand up and put our arms over our heads and form an “o.” Same thing with a seated “o” only we were sitting. Like we were goddamn mimes or something. God was he an asshole.

Anyway, he asks us to give one final seated “o” before the end of the assembly. But before the assembly let out, I let out first. It came out of nowhere. One minute I was just sitting there; the next, things would never be the same. I ripped a fart that ricocheted off the hardwood gymnasium floor and rumbled like a thunderclap throughout the entire school. It was like a rifle being fired in a canyon. Helen Keller could have heard this thing, if she'd been there. And immediately, all two hundred people in the building turn to look at me. And all I could think to do was smile like an idiot and point to the fat kid sitting next to me. I don’t think anyone believed me.

Now, this is a true story. And if you happen to pass by the Proctor School in northern Massachusetts some day, ask one of the teachers who’s been there for a while if they recall the Great Wind Storm of ’94. Chances are they’ll ask you how I’m doing.

This has been my story of lost innocence from the fourth grade. If you have comments or would like to share your own tale of an untimely gaseous release, please feel free to reply.

I will start this post by rating the following stand-up comedians I've seen on netflix in descending order of how funny they were:

1) Ron White... I feel like this guy is a cartoon character brought to life. If I could pick one person to smoke a cigar with, he'd be it.

2) Zach Galifianakis... yes, I spelled it right. Very funny piano-playing homeless-looking guy.

3) Doug Stanhope... for all his anger, bitterness, and general bigotry, he's actually insightful and funny as hell.

4) Gilbert Gottfried... saved himself with a 9-minute version of the Aristocrats joke to end his performance.

5) Joe Rogan... after about 15 minutes I went to make some Bagel Bites and forgot I was watching him, but I remember him being okay.

6) Daniel Tosh... self-absorbed, elitist prick who is about 1/10 as funny as he thinks he is.

7) Jaime Kennedy... please don't ever perform again.

AND NOW FOR A NEW SEGMENT ON THIS BLOG:

PREDICTIONS FOR THE FUTURE!!!

2012: NBC will finally realize its mistake in giving Conan O'Brien's old spot to Jimmy Fallon, and decide to replace him... with Sylvester Stallone.

2091: The Los Angeles Clippers will finally win an NBA Championship, with the help of the newly-unfrozen Lebron James.

2124: The first robot will be elected President.

2273: Mildly retarded aliens will land on Earth and ask for directions to Pluto.

2525: People will still unanimously agree that Zager and Evans are just awful.

You know what would make dog parks a lot more sanitary? Dog colostomy bags.

Well this wasn't very funny. We'll try it again some other time.

FUN STORIES

Here are some fun stories I've thought of that may give people a better idea of what kind of person I am and get to know me a little better. Hope you enjoy/that anyone will read this.

When I got invited to play volleyball with my neighbors I thought I’d get a big laugh if instead of hitting the ball when it came to me, I’d just let it hit the ground and start talking to it and calling it Wilson, like the guy in Castaway. I did that about five times in a row before they kicked me out of the game and told me never to come back. I guess they just don’t like Tom Hanks movies.

I was so happy when I got mugged. It was the first time in almost a month that I hadn’t had any cash in my wallet. These muggers were beating the crap out of me for no reason! It was hilarious. Then they found out that I had no money and started beating me even harder, out of anger. That made me stop feeling happy and become really upset. But then, when my head hit the pavement, I saw that I had landed right next to a shiny new quarter! It was the happiest I’d been since I’d started getting mugged. But then the muggers took the quarter from me. Talk about a day full of mixed emotions.

She was my first true love. I remember how I used to follow her around all day, hiding behind bushes and parked cars, and how she used to pretend she didn’t see me, or maybe she really couldn’t because I was hiding. And I’ll never forget the one time she playfully sprayed mace in my eyes and threw me down a flight of stairs. The whole way to the hospital I kept thinking to myself, “What a woman!”

That's about it for now.

Notre Dame monitor: 4-1, bye week coming up. USC the week after. A win there would make the season.

Bengals monitor: 3-1, division-leading Baltimore coming up next week. Who know what the hell they'll do.

Results of the 2009 Super Official Scientific Taste Test held at Natalie's apartment:

Coke v. Pepsi: Pepsi

Filtered tap water vs. Bottled: Filtered tap

Regular peanut butter vs. Light: Inconclusive

Cadbury v. Dove v. Hershey's chocolate: Cadbury

A&W v. Barq's v. Mug root beer: Mug

McDonalds v. Whataburger french fries: Inconclusive

Selected betting results of Notre Dame-Purdue game:

Line: ND by 13; Winner Natalie (under)

Over/under: 42; Winner Bill (over)

First points (TD or FG): Winner Bill (TD)

First 2nd half commercial: Uncertain (weren't paying attention)

Random superlatives, Fall 2009 installment:

Best summer food: Kayem Old Time hot dog

Most annoying pro athlete: Brett Favre

Worst chain restaurant: Applebee's

Smallest species of shark: dwarf lanternshark (Etmopterus perryi)

Fruitiest band: Coldplay

Largest state beginning with "M": Montana (147,000 sq mi)

Dumbest Olympic sport: synchronized swimming

Best candy bar: Milky Way

Worst fast food restaurant: Jack in the Box

Tallest man: Sultan Kosen (8'1")

Best documentary: Fearless Freaks

Best Ginger Ale brand: Schweppes

This just in... Cincinnati Bengals come from behind to defeat arch-rival Pittsburgh, 23-20. Bengals improve to a 2-1 mark and move into 2nd place in the AFC North. Playoffs, anyone?

Hmm, I kind of forgot that I was supposed to keep posting stuff every week or so. Anyway, here is my first blog from Austin. I don't really have anything interesting to say, so here is a letter I wrote to Lorne Michaels earlier this week:

Dear Lorne Michaels,

My name is Bill Sheehan. I am writing to you with a suggestion for the television program Saturday Night Live, possibly the best suggestion of any kind that anyone has ever come up with in history.

I have enjoyed SNL for many, many years. But recently something has been nagging at me: all of the people selected to host the show are celebrities. I understand why you guys do this; however, I think that it’s time for something different. Audiences always expect to see someone familiar hosting, a famous person they’ve watched in movies or television. If you really want to shock them, have someone unknown host. Someone obscure. Someone no one has ever heard of. Imagine the possibilities here. Luckily, I have already thought of the perfect person to do this: me.

By now you probably agree that this obscure host idea is pretty amazing, and possibly even the greatest in television history. But you may ask yourself, why should I let this Bill Sheehan character be the one to break the mold as host on the show? The answer: I’m REALY funny. If you don’t believe me, ask my friend Jim, and he’ll tell you. You can reach him at 978-578-xxxx*. It’s probably best to call between 3 and 4 in the morning eastern time. In his sleep-deprived state he may think there’s some kind of emergency and decide to pick up. If he doesn’t answer right away, just keep calling. You may have to leave a bunch of threatening messages until he calls you back. That’s what I do. Also, if at some point in the conversation he tries to tell you about all the money I supposedly “borrowed” from him and “promised to pay back but never did,” just ignore him.

At any rate, I hope this note makes it to you.

Sincerely,

Bill Sheehan

9801 Stonelake Blvd, Apt 1527

Austin, TX 78759

P.S. Just to show you that I’m not some free-loader trying to use SNL to become famous, I have already taken the time to come up with an idea for a sketch: I host a well-known daytime talk show where guests in serious financial trouble come to me for advice. After beginning to help them solve their financial problems, I make the mistake of turning the conversation romantic and then overtly sexual, hitting on them and causing them to leave in confused dismay. I think Rosario Dawson should probably guest star as one of the people who comes on the talk show.

* - Jim's phone number removed from Blog posting for privacy reasons, but was included in original letter.

Well that's about all I have for now.

THE EVOLUTION OF JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT*:
1997: really hot and finally legal
1998: really really hot
1999: same
2000: still really really hot but has made WAY too many bad movies
2001: same
2002: still really hot but starting to look a little worn/anorexic
2003: same
2004: can't remember
2005: still pretty hot; Ghost Whisperer comes out; no one notices
2006: can't remember
2007: starting to let herself go a little
2008: Whoa, there it is. SHAMU!
2009: hot again. evidence in Maxim magazine

* - years 1979-1996 purposely left out

I usually give myself 2-3 months between posts in order to come up with ideas. On such short notice, I have been unable to think of anything new. So here are some more suggestions on WAYS NOT TO DIE...

Try not to die by: drowning in an inflatable kids pool. What are you trying to do, end up like Mr. Carver in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? This one is probably the most inexcusable of anything mentioned thus far.
Instead, try getting eaten by a shark in the ocean, preferably a Great White or Bull Shark. To die in this fashion is surely very scary and painful, but if there happens to be a witness with a camcorder, you just made your way onto the next season of Shark Week, TV star.

Try not to die by: falling down an old well. Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it will be to get you out of there? Have some courtesy for the people who end up finding you.
Instead, try skydiving with a parachute that won't open. It's a bold way to end things, and there is absolutely no possibility that you will come back as a vengeful, evil creature like that girl in The Ring.

If you are an American:
Try not to die: while singing the Canadian National Anthem. Everyone knows that God loves people who are patriotic. So if you happen to be singing Canada's theme song, or any other country's for that matter, you might as well just pack your bags for hell. Sorry, I don't make up these rules.
Instead, try dying while singing the chorus from Bob Segar's "Against the Wind." Everyone likes Bob Segar, and God is no exception. If you time it right, you can even add a mild hint of irony to your death. How can you complain about that?

Bars I've had enough of:
1) O'Neills, Salem, MA
2) Finnegan's, South Bend, IN
3) In a Pig's Eye, Salem, MA
4) The Pickled Onion, Beverly, MA

OK it's been a few months (4 months and 30 days to be exact) and it is time for another post. Unlike previous trivial entries, this one focuses on the bigger questions. Those of LIFE AND DEATH  (mostly death).

Every day one way or another we all try not to die. But if you simply can't avoid it and do in fact have to die, here are some suggestions on how to go about doing it. The following are examples of ways you should try and avoid having your life end, along with suggestions for better options.

Try not to die by: being attacked by a swarm of killer honey bees. This way of dying involves far too much flailing around and screaming to be dealt with. This kind of drama is just not necessary.

Instead, try getting attacked by an animal bigger than you, like an alligator or rhinocerous. This will also probably involve a significant amount of flailing and screaming, but at least people will be able to see what you're so bent out of shape about. Because that's another main problem with being killed by bees: it's really hard for people to see them.

Try not to die by: falling down a flight of stairs. That stuff is for old people. If you're still in your prime, this is no way for you to go. Who wants to go through the afterlife hearing their relatives on earth saying "Poor Pedro, if only he'd lived on the first floor."

Instead, try getting thrown down an elevator shaft. That's much more exciting, and it will definitely draw some double-takes in the obituary.

Try not to die by: choking on a hot dog. This would really be a shame. Remember when that girl almost choked to death on a hot dog in Field of Dreams, but then the doctor came off the field and saved her, but he couldn't go back? That was really nice of him. Also, if you choke on a hot dog most rational people like me will assume you were doing something inappropriate with it to get a few laughs.

Instead, try eating improperly-prepared blowfish. You'll get one last exotic meal before you go, and people will at least respect you for trying.

I am going to attempt to update this damned thing every week or so. I am unemployed again, so there is really no excuse.

-magnolia

Letter to March:

Dear March,

Hey. What the hell do you think you're doing? You are the false hope of New England. The end of February finally comes and everyone thinks "Oh, it's ok, it's ok. March is here. Winter's almost over."

Then what do you do? On your first full day? Dump 10 inches of snow on us. And make me miss work, and get yelled at by my boss because "you're a manager now, and people look up to you." What the hell is that? I'm supposed to drive around in a massive blizzard and risk plowing into a snowbank at 50 miles an hour just so I can go to Beverly and talk to a bunch of mis-fit doctors all day? And I mean our office had a "discretionary attendance policy"... doesn't that mean that I can use my discretion to not come into work and stay in Waltham and watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona instead without having to take crap from anybody?

By the way the rumors of steamy scenes featuring Penelope Cruz and  Scarlett Johansson have been vastly overblown. It's nothing to get at all excited about.

Anyway, I've really had it with you, March. You bring nothing to the table. March Madness? The best parts of it are in April. You don't even have a recognized holiday. Just 31 days of bullshit that we all have to put up with. Even crummy February has Valentine's Day, and even though it ends up costing you unnecessary money at least it virtually guarantees that you'll get laid. But you can make no such guarantee, March.

That's all. Maybe I'll make another entry in April.

Sincerely yours,

Bill

NEW POST

It has been roughly 5 months since my last entry. I realize this is a poor effort suggesting a complete lack of interest and motivation. Therefore, from this point forward I will attempt to update this blog at least once every 3 months.

This post will consist of a list of things that piss me off.

Things that piss me off:

The Baltimore Ravens

People who pronounce a hard 'g' in the word "hang"

Dunkin' Donuts

Email

The state of Virginia

Facebook

Microwaves

Grocery store cashiers who use 10 plastic bags for 12 items

Kate Winslet

Snow

The peanut-salmonella outbreak fiasco

College football announcers

Bad driving

Chinese chicken with too much batter and almost no meat

Politically-themed bumper stickers

The saying "it is what it is"

Psychiatrists

"Family Guy" reruns

People who endlessly quote "Family Guy" reruns

Mice

And as always, Jeff Van Gundy

See you again in April.