THE EVOLUTION OF JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT*:
1997: really hot and finally legal
1998: really really hot
1999: same
2000: still really really hot but has made WAY too many bad movies
2001: same
2002: still really hot but starting to look a little worn/anorexic
2003: same
2004: can't remember
2005: still pretty hot; Ghost Whisperer comes out; no one notices
2006: can't remember
2007: starting to let herself go a little
2008: Whoa, there it is. SHAMU!
2009: hot again. evidence in Maxim magazine

* - years 1979-1996 purposely left out

I usually give myself 2-3 months between posts in order to come up with ideas. On such short notice, I have been unable to think of anything new. So here are some more suggestions on WAYS NOT TO DIE...

Try not to die by: drowning in an inflatable kids pool. What are you trying to do, end up like Mr. Carver in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? This one is probably the most inexcusable of anything mentioned thus far.
Instead, try getting eaten by a shark in the ocean, preferably a Great White or Bull Shark. To die in this fashion is surely very scary and painful, but if there happens to be a witness with a camcorder, you just made your way onto the next season of Shark Week, TV star.

Try not to die by: falling down an old well. Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it will be to get you out of there? Have some courtesy for the people who end up finding you.
Instead, try skydiving with a parachute that won't open. It's a bold way to end things, and there is absolutely no possibility that you will come back as a vengeful, evil creature like that girl in The Ring.

If you are an American:
Try not to die: while singing the Canadian National Anthem. Everyone knows that God loves people who are patriotic. So if you happen to be singing Canada's theme song, or any other country's for that matter, you might as well just pack your bags for hell. Sorry, I don't make up these rules.
Instead, try dying while singing the chorus from Bob Segar's "Against the Wind." Everyone likes Bob Segar, and God is no exception. If you time it right, you can even add a mild hint of irony to your death. How can you complain about that?

Bars I've had enough of:
1) O'Neills, Salem, MA
2) Finnegan's, South Bend, IN
3) In a Pig's Eye, Salem, MA
4) The Pickled Onion, Beverly, MA