I wanted this to be a more sophisticated entry than my fan(s) is/are used to. Do not expect any mindless lists, misguided anger, drastically inaccurate allegations, or pointless celebrity bashing which for so long has defnied this blog. From now on things are going to be different. So sit back, relax, if you're a girl put your legs behind your head, and I will tell you a story, one of great emotional depth that will touch you to the core.

On Farting

So when I started fourth grade we had a school-wide assembly to welcome the new principal. And he was an idiot, and tried to teach all the students different crap he’d had the kids at his other school do. If he asked us to give someone a standing “o” (short for ovation) we had to stand up and put our arms over our heads and form an “o.” Same thing with a seated “o” only we were sitting. Like we were goddamn mimes or something. God was he an asshole.

Anyway, he asks us to give one final seated “o” before the end of the assembly. But before the assembly let out, I let out first. It came out of nowhere. One minute I was just sitting there; the next, things would never be the same. I ripped a fart that ricocheted off the hardwood gymnasium floor and rumbled like a thunderclap throughout the entire school. It was like a rifle being fired in a canyon. Helen Keller could have heard this thing, if she'd been there. And immediately, all two hundred people in the building turn to look at me. And all I could think to do was smile like an idiot and point to the fat kid sitting next to me. I don’t think anyone believed me.

Now, this is a true story. And if you happen to pass by the Proctor School in northern Massachusetts some day, ask one of the teachers who’s been there for a while if they recall the Great Wind Storm of ’94. Chances are they’ll ask you how I’m doing.

This has been my story of lost innocence from the fourth grade. If you have comments or would like to share your own tale of an untimely gaseous release, please feel free to reply.