When I got invited to play volleyball with my neighbors I thought I’d get a big laugh if instead of hitting the ball when it came to me, I’d just let it hit the ground and start talking to it and calling it Wilson, like the guy in Castaway. I did that about five times in a row before they kicked me out of the game and told me never to come back. I guess they just don’t like Tom Hanks movies.
I was so happy when I got mugged. It was the first time in almost a month that I hadn’t had any cash in my wallet. These muggers were beating the crap out of me for no reason! It was hilarious. Then they found out that I had no money and started beating me even harder, out of anger. That made me stop feeling happy and become really upset. But then, when my head hit the pavement, I saw that I had landed right next to a shiny new quarter! It was the happiest I’d been since I’d started getting mugged. But then the muggers took the quarter from me. Talk about a day full of mixed emotions.
She was my first true love. I remember how I used to follow her around all day, hiding behind bushes and parked cars, and how she used to pretend she didn’t see me, or maybe she really couldn’t because I was hiding. And I’ll never forget the one time she playfully sprayed mace in my eyes and threw me down a flight of stairs. The whole way to the hospital I kept thinking to myself, “What a woman!”
That's about it for now.
Notre Dame monitor: 4-1, bye week coming up. USC the week after. A win there would make the season.
Bengals monitor: 3-1, division-leading Baltimore coming up next week. Who know what the hell they'll do.
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