Every day one way or another we all try not to die. But if you simply can't avoid it and do in fact have to die, here are some suggestions on how to go about doing it. The following are examples of ways you should try and avoid having your life end, along with suggestions for better options.
Try not to die by: being attacked by a swarm of killer honey bees. This way of dying involves far too much flailing around and screaming to be dealt with. This kind of drama is just not necessary.
Instead, try getting attacked by an animal bigger than you, like an alligator or rhinocerous. This will also probably involve a significant amount of flailing and screaming, but at least people will be able to see what you're so bent out of shape about. Because that's another main problem with being killed by bees: it's really hard for people to see them.
Try not to die by: falling down a flight of stairs. That stuff is for old people. If you're still in your prime, this is no way for you to go. Who wants to go through the afterlife hearing their relatives on earth saying "Poor Pedro, if only he'd lived on the first floor."
Instead, try getting thrown down an elevator shaft. That's much more exciting, and it will definitely draw some double-takes in the obituary.
Try not to die by: choking on a hot dog. This would really be a shame. Remember when that girl almost choked to death on a hot dog in Field of Dreams, but then the doctor came off the field and saved her, but he couldn't go back? That was really nice of him. Also, if you choke on a hot dog most rational people like me will assume you were doing something inappropriate with it to get a few laughs.
Instead, try eating improperly-prepared blowfish. You'll get one last exotic meal before you go, and people will at least respect you for trying.
I am going to attempt to update this damned thing every week or so. I am unemployed again, so there is really no excuse.
-magnolia
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