FTF

Fuck the Following:

Land mines
Expired pasta sauce
Filipino women
Grease
Self-help books
Vegans
The last 75 pages of White Teeth
Shoes that come with shoelaces of inadequate length
Old Spice
Denver Broncos fans
2013
Pickle shots
Dave Matthews detractors *
Green bell peppers
The Academy Awards
Lice

- * He was good for a while, folks!

Is the Rant back?
We shall see; even I don't know anymore.

Well, Shit

Sorry, Blog. I abandoned you once again, albeit briefly. Let us not forget the 18 months that passed from October 2009 to April 2011 where I failed to write a single word. So really no need to blow the brief hiatus in February out of proportion.

That being said, here is a list of foods I wish I'd eat more of:

FOODS I WISH I'D EAT MORE OF:
1) Catfish (grilled)
2) Ice Cream (assorted flavors)
3) Bacon
4) Asparagus
5) Bacon-wrapped Asparagus
6) Cheerios

Many have asked for my take on the new Adidas Zumbaz line of NCAA uniforms. My insights are as follows:

Terrible! *

To be honest, this is more of a filler entry before St. Patrick's Day's BEST BLOG POST EVER, in which the humble author will attempt to bring his craft to new heights and deliver the finest post ever written in the prestigious history of the Rant.
Until next time...

* A blind Persian could do better!

 

Free-Floating Nonsense

First off, my apologies for the dreadfully inadequate nature of last weeks' posting. There is room for significant improvement yet!

Most satisfying plays to watch in football:
1. Six to 10-yard fade route, corner of the endzone
2. Kick-off return Touchdown
3. A well-executed halfback screen pass
4. Corner blitz resulting in quarterback sack
5. Successfully recovered on-side kick
6. The hook-and-ladder

Co-Worker Power Rankings, Current Week:

1. Nick Brooks (hang in there, buddy!)
2. Arleen Reynolds (flourishing entrepreneur)
3. Chris Masterson (a.k.a. Charlie Mike)
4. Clarke Raines (good guy but needs to hit the weights)
5. Lucas Gonzales (couldn't think of anyone else)

After a less than stellar Pro Bowl prediction that marred a nearly flawless post-season of prognoticating, the blog author is back with the definitive projection for Super Bowl XLVII to be played this Sunday, February 3rd...

THE SUPER BOWL:
Ravens 23
Niners  17

Don't expect things to turn out otherwise!

Superfluous facts regarding selected U.S. State Capitals:

Lincoln, NE: Formerly known as Lancaster, it received its current name as a result of Omaha's decision to re-name the city after president Abraham Lincoln. This was done in an unsuccessful attempt to sway the favor of Confederate sympathizers against moving the state capital away from Omaha. A for effort, though.
Boston, MA: The Charles River, separating the Boston capital from Charleston, was the subject of The Standell's 1966 hit single, "Dirty Water."
Harrisburg, PA: In 2010 was named the 2nd best city in which to raise a family by Forbes.*

* - blog author's reaction to the Forbes claim: Preposterous! It's Pennsylvania.

Until next time.

UNTITLED

Alright, the "let's try and not get too drunk in January" idea hasn't been implemented as flawlessly as originally intended, but we're still working on it!

January 10: Sober
January 11: Drunk
January 12: Sober(ish) - 5 beers
January 13: Hammered
January 14: Sober
January 15: Sober
January 16: Sober
January 17: Sober
January 18: Drunk
January 19: Drunk
January 20: Drunk
January 21: Buzzed (5-6 beers over course of day)
January 22: Sober (dry)
January 23: Sober (1 glass of wine)

Will power is being invoked.

Now a belated attempt to cover something topical and relevant:
Musings on Martin Luther King:

You know, he was a good guy. A really good guy.

Now, a list of songs I wish I didn't like so much:
Higher Love - Steve Winwood
A Thousand Years - Christina Perri
In the House of Stone and Light - Martin Paige
Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band

Finally, for no logical reason whatsoever, here is a picture of a goblin shark:

What were you thinking, God?

Wait, one more thing: NFL Pro Bowl Prediction:
AFC 45, NFC 42 *

* but honestly, is there anyone who still cares?

DID I FORGET ABOUT THIS BLOG AGAIN?

No!

New goal for 2013 The Year of Our Lord: Stay sober as often as possible!

A strange goal for an Irishman in his late 20's, to be sure. But the health-related and financial benefits are too sweet to ignore. Here's how we've done so far:

January 1: Hammered (>10 beers)
January 2: Sober (dry)
January 3: Sober (dry)
January 4: Sober (2 beers)
January 5: Sober  (dry)
January 6: Sober (dry)
January 7: Hammered (>10 beers, shot of Crown)
January 8: Sober (dry)
January 9: Sober (current as of 3:58 PM CT)

CO-WORKER POWER RANKINGS (Installment the Fourth):
1) Arleen Reynolds (plays ukulele and has been known to cliff dive in the past)
2) Nick Brooks (shows promise as a racially-charged yet charasmatic stand-up comic)
3) Adam Styer (just turned 29)
4) Tina Hatch (once drop-kicked Art Garfunkel in the neck)
5) Lucas Gonzales (attended Bible College, 2007-2008; displays impressive upper-body strength)

NFL Divisional Round Playoff Predictions:

Patriots - Texans: Pats, 34-17
Broncos - Ravens: Ravens, 27-23 *
49ers - Packers: Niners, 24-21
Falcons - Seahawks: Falcons, 27-14

* - upset pick with Baltimore winning on the road at Mile High

Finally, a new feature...
NBA January Update:
Who the hell cares?

Merry Chr... Whatever

Not sure where the last week went. To the past, probably.
OK, question answered.

MOST EXCITING CHRISTMAS GIFT:
New digital camera, which will allow me to document various activities of note, particularly the creation of an extensive study of my spending habits in The Year of Our Lord 2013.

LEAST EXCITING CHRISTMAS GIFT:
Socks.

Have you ever found yourself watching a football game at a bar only to discover half-way through that it's a re-run from earlier in the season? Man was my face red. *

Here are some cool lyrics from Neil Young written backwards:

niar eht ni wodniw eht hguorht gnihsalf sthgil deR
?naom sneris eht raeh uoy naC
enal eht ni renroc eht ni gniyl enac etihW
enola emoh gniklaw er'uoy fI
...nwod uoy gnirb ti tel t'noD

* redness primarily attributed to embarrassment, as can be discerned from context; however, the impact of consumption of several intoxicating beverages cannot be disregarded as a factor.

Most disappointing types of cookies:

1) Oatmeal raisin
2) Sugar
3) White chocolate macadamia nut

And now for something serious...
GOALS FOR 2013:

• Get back in shape
• Travel to Europe
• Learn Spanish
• Eat a kind of meat I've never tried before +
• Learn "Rylynn" on guitar (holy shit, folks) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsD6uEZsIsU
• Earn spot as second-string QB for New York Jets
• Land HBO stand-up special

+ - possibilities: Caribou; Polar bear; Snake

Best post ever? Definitely.

Nice Try, Mayans

12/21/12. It's like binary code. Except 0's have been replaced by 2's. Or maybe the 0's became 1's and the 1's subsequently 2's. I don't care.

Annoying things people say about movies:

Fight Club (1997): "Yeah I knew Brad Pitt wasn't real the whole time."
Inception (2010): "Yeah I knew it was all a dream the whole time."
The Dark Knight Rises (2012): "Yeah I knew the child in the prison was actually that Miranda chick and not Bain the whole time."
Jerry Maguire (1996): "Yeah I knew Tom Cruise was really a robot sent by the Russians to destroy us the whole time."

I don't believe any of you!

Set list from recent stand-up set:
1) Sorrow (Bourbon and Screaming)
2) Dildos for Christmas
3) Superman vs. Perpetual Jock Itch Man
4) Snow
5) The Rainforest

Nailed it.

A list of beers I enjoy:
Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale; Blue Moon; Shock Top Midnight Wheat; Chimay Triple; Sam Adams Octoberfest; Hite (Korean); Smuttynose IPA; Red Stripe

Fans of The Decemberists... this is your month! Emo.

Worst post ever? It's in the running...