Oh, Crap

A selected list of phrases the O.C. could stand for other than Orange County:

Ostrich Coop

Ornery Chameleons

Ocean City

Omnipresent Crust

Obese Chimpanzees

Olfactory Conundrum

Obsessive Crapping

Orderly Chaos

Office Chairman

Obligatory Cunnilingus

Outspoken Chef

Outrageous Pro Bowl Snubs, Part 1…

Isaac Bruce, 1995: 119 receptions, 1781 yards, 13 TD

1781 receiving yards is still 5^th most all time in a single season

LaDanian Tomlinson, 2003: 1683 rush yards, 725 receiving yards, 17 TD

2370 yards from scrimmage is 4^th most all-time in a single season

Matthew Stafford, 2011: 5038 passing yards, 41 TD, 16 INT

His team also went 10-6 after winning 8 combined games the previous 2 seasons

That's enough of that.

“Print is dead.” 

-Dr. Egon Spengler

Aye, but Blogging is alive and well!

More inspirational quotes? OK then!

“Everything I touch turns to shit.” – Matt M., co-worker

“I want to go across desert and meet scorpion band.” – anonymous YouTube post

“I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.” – Chris Kattan

A list of the most disappointing foods:

Apples

Spinach

Cashews

Frozen yogurt

Chocolate-covered tarantulas

Quinoa

Finally, good job, Major League Baseball, by making the correct picks for both leagues in the MVP, Cy Young, and Rookie of the Year Awards.

WAR doesn't tell the whole story, folks

But wait! There's more...

5. Albert Pujols

"It's not THAT big, guys!"

Key stats: 589 career home runs; 2-time World Series champion; 3-time NL MVP

Pujols? But he’s one of the game’s most celebrated players. True, but look at that ass! Put him in a pair of crusty grey sweatpants and Fat Albert becomes indistinguishable from the 30,000 other Walmart shoppers who every day continue to make this country a worldwide laughing stock. His last name is pronounced “Poo holes”… as in, “more than one”… for God’s sake.

6. Haile Gebrselassie

The silent assassin...

Key stats: 2 Olympic Gold Medals; 26:22.75 (10K) and 12:39.36 (5K) personal bests

Most grown men could throw this little guy head first through a basketball hoop. But in his prime, the dominative speedster set dozens world distance records and won back-to-back Olympic gold medals in the 10,000 meters (edging out Kenya’s Paul Tergat both times). He’s also set world records in the marathon, half marathon, and 20,000 meters. The Ethiopian native is a wonderful ambassador for the sport in a country that needs these kinds of success stories.

7. John Chaney

Why?

Key stats: 741 career collegiate wins; member of College Basketball Hall of Fame

Jesus God look at this guy!! (clears throat)… most of us remember John as the long-time head coach of Temple basketball. But before this bug-eyed weirdo took the reins of the Owls program, he was quite the player himself, competing in the Eastern Professional Basketball League with the Sunbury Mercuries (1955-63), the Williamsport Billies (1963-66), and the Altoona Ugly Fucks (documentation pending). On a lighter note, he also once threatened to kill John Calipari.

Finally, some AMAZING BUT TRUE FACTS!

There are over 300 currently recognized species of octopus

In 2015, Walmart sold more bananas than any other item

Tongue prints are as unique as fingerprints

Character actor Stephen Tobolowsky has 248 acting credits

The Big Bang Theory inexplicably has an IMDB rating of 8.4

Former MLB first baseman Norm Cash hit .243 in 1962, 118 points lower than the previous year

All that is gold does not glitter...

A List of Athletes Who Don’t (or didn’t) Look Like Athletes

1. Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox second baseman

why so confused?

Key stats: 2008 American League MVP; 4 Gold Gloves;.301 lifetime batting average; 2 World Series rings

Dustin is only about 5’8” tall, and he probably got picked last in sandlot games as a youth until the other kids saw how he could hit the ball. His unorthodox, lurching swing makes one’s back hurt just looking at it.

2. David Wells, former starting pitcher

over the line!

Key stats: 239 career wins; 3 All-Star appearances; 2 World Series rings

David looks like a guy who consistently bowls in the 170s or 180s in your Wednesday night bowling league, all while individually polishing off a case of Busch Light. While this no doubt makes him a good friend and valuable addition to your team, these skills don’t quite fit the qualification of “athlete.”

3. Sam Cassell, former point guard

"take me to your leader..."

Key stats: 15.7 career points per game; 3 NBA Championship rings; 1-time All-Star

He really looks less like a former professional basketball player than some sort of alien burn victim. Sam spent his 15-year NBA career with Houston, Milwaukee, Minnesota, and a couple others before retiring at the end of the 2007-08 season. He then took a job as a commentator so he can continue creeping us out on television, and currently works as an assistant coach with the LA Clippers.

4. Pablo Sandoval, third baseman (?)

he's the one in red, to avoid confusion

Key stats: 3 World Series rings; 2012 World Series MVP; 2 All-Star appearances

The “Kung Fu Panda,” a.k.a. “Round Mound of Pound” may have a well-documented weight problem, but that certainly hasn’t stopped him from – wait, what’s that? He ate so goddamn much this past winter that he got himself injured and missed the entire 2016 season? Pablo, your obesity has you standing underneath the MLB’s EXIT sign. Adjust accordingly. Fat fuck.

More to follow.

Brief life update: The move to Medford is imminent! 

Regarding Paul's Bullshit Fantasy Baseball League

The fix is in!

I've said it, and now all three of you who still occasionally read this blog have heard it!

Nightman (formerly Dayman) sits in last place, 10th out of 10, right in the basement, DESPITE having one of the strongest teams in the league.

How could this be??? You ask... well, quite plainly, I'm getting fucked.

See exhibit A...

What do you notice? Exactly. Teams are teeing off against Nightman, putting up numbers well above the league averages in nearly all categories. Awful!

But Bill, certainly you must be exaggerating. Your team's not getting gang banged by the Fantasy Baseball gods that badly...

Oh no? Please reconsider! See exhibit B...

Notice, that in a traditional rotisserie style league, Nightman (formerly Dayman) would be in 2nd place. Second! That's a -8 differential between Rotisserie and Head-to-head play based solely on the weekly match-ups.

Bill, you're 32 years old and have less than $4,000 in your savings account. Shouldn't you be focusing on your career and getting your life together instead of spending 2 hours creating excel sheets on your fantasy baseball team?

No comment.

Go Sox.

...and everything after

Reactions to Aug. 6 Counting Crows Concert:

The venue: very nice… high seating capacity yet good visibility of stage

The opening act (Rob Thomas): fine… the forty-something year-old women seemed really into it

The band itself: adequate

The front man: God awful… Adam Duritz’ clear indifference to the performance had nearly half the crowd heading for the exits well before the end of the set

Additional notes: won approx. $170 in blackjack and found a delightful restaurant at the New London Train Station

In baseball news…

The A.L. East race is heating up as three teams all find themselves within 1 game of each other in the standings, nearly 120 games into the season. And the best news of all: none of those three teams is the Yankees! *

Health notes:

Overall physical well-being: improved

Waistline: reduced

Aerobic capacity: marginally increased

Knee pain: less problematic

Achilles pain: sporadically improved

Mental health: still erratic

* Sorry, Gay-Rod

Final note: Sarah's back! Huzzah!

Summah Donna

"God can't save you, Bill..."
-Greg W., new co-worker

Life Developments:
.
Sarah is gone
Spiders are everywhere
Current stretch of sobriety: 18 days and counting
Gut is still distressingly bloated despite recent dietary efforts
New HBO series Vice Principals: surprisingly enjoyable!
Officially one month into new career as of tomorrow
Social life leaves much to be desired
Long-forgotten passion for breakfast tacos has been rekindled
Apartment search is heading into full swing*
Savings account remains stagnant for the time being
A Counting Crows concert awaits us this weekend!

* - targeted move-in date: September 15th**
** - back-up move-in date: October 1st
Where will he end up, folks?

Let's try and remember the
words this time, Adam

Janice is Dead

Well, fuck, the timing couldn't have been worse.

Janice, seen below in this sketchy photograph (we assure you it is very real) is our fallen spider, dead either of exposure, exhaustion, or... dare I imagine... a broken heart?*...

*"Where were you, Junior??"

<---- b="" her="" s="" that="">
barely visible, but she's there


Anyway, Janice's death comes somewhat as a relief because she very well could have infiltrated the apartment and killed us all. But it also hits a deeper chord of sorrow and loss, and we hope she's in a better place now. **

** One possible interpretation of Spider Heaven:
The night hijacks the last shade of deep blue from the daylight, holding on as long as it can before the color fades to black as swelling clouds bruise a dark sky punctuated by lonely stars.

It's humid, and mosquitos and moths hover lazily over a marshy terrain free of pesticides and uninhabited by humans.

The spiders execute everything perfectly - the placement and exquisite texture of their webs, their eerie rhythm in time with the hum and whir of the fluttering life around them - and wait.

The catch comes easy and for once the kill is not accompanied by fear or frenzied compulsion to get it over with. Here there is an understanding, that everything - living, dying, or somewhere between - feeds the wheel of Life. A trickle from a vein of one being sustains another that fills the same time and space. There is no real death; only transformation. One form of energy breathed into another. And energy knows no pain, no regret, no heartache, and no end.

So yeah. Janice, we hardly knew ye and hopefully all that shit I said beforehand works out for you.

RIP Janice 2016-2016

An Introduction to the Spiders that Live Immediately Outside Our Apartment

It's no secret: Haverhill is Spider Town. Although known for many things - dirty water, seven-alarm fires, a dysfunctional stop on the commuter rail, and Han's Garden - the town is truly defined by its heavy population of spiders, many of which dwell right outside our apartment #10A.

Here they are, with profiles listed in order of ascending proximity to our sleeping quarters:

Name: Pierre
Species: Goldenrod crab spider
Location: Merrimack River dock, adjacent to parking spot 54
Danger level (0 to 10): 0
Notes: nothing to worry about; odds of it reaching the 10th floor apartment are astronomical, and it is not venomous 

Name: Bertha
Species: Tuft-legged orb weaver
Location: left-center of northwest living room window
Danger level: 4
Notes: Recently gave birth, hence her name. Though probably territorial around her offspring, she is on the outside part of the window that doesn't open and is unlikely to gain entry inside

Name: Janice
Species: Unknown

Location: right-center of northwest living room window

Danger level: 7.5

Notes: Though camera shy, Janice is very real. The problem with this one is two-fold: 1) we don’t know what kind it is, which is troubling; and 2) Janice is actually inside the screen, and odds are that one night we’ll forget about her and open up the window, then she’s in the apartment

"Ain't payin' no child support!"

Name: Junior
Species: Tuft-legged orb weaver
Location: bedroom window, outside of screen
Danger level: 5
Notes: bite carries very low toxicity but there is a definite risk of heart attack should he be discovered one night in the bed
Additional note: Did he knock up Bertha?

It would certainly be nice to live in Chinchilla Town, or Happy Bonobo Monkey Town, but we have no such luck. We'll try to sneak in a photo of Janice next time.

Thank you for your readership.

Well Now I've Heard Everything

"She may be mistaken about me ejaculating on her face because she was on morphine."
-Dr. David Newman, in response to a disturbing allegation from the ER

It's never good when things reach this fever pitch in medicine.

Maybe she was mistaken.

Maybe you should stop jacking off on people's faces after doping them.

Who knows?!?

In other news, the Red Sox are doing well, despite the ineptitude of recently acquired pitcher David Price. They paid this tall motherfucker $250 million dollars, too.

I'd say... the price... was wrong?

Go Cap's!