A Brief Argument for Peyton Manning over Tom Brady in the Greatest Quarterback of All-Time Discussion

(Patriots fans, don’t shit yourselves; just read and take this in, you borderline-illiterate lunatics)

Beginning at the Beginning: Peyton Manning was drafted by the worst team in professional football and in three years had turned them into a perennial division champion and playoff contender.

Tom Brady inherited a playoff- and Super Bowl-caliber team and led them to several championships, which shouldn't be a surprise. They were already amazing without him. Brady was handed the keys to a Cadillac, whereas Peyton Manning was directed to a broken down Ford Explorer that hadn’t run since 1992 and had bees in the trunk.

When Manning left the Colts, the team went into complete disarray; the Patriots are 11-6 in the Bill Belichick era without Brady under center. Every quarterback who’s ever been in their system has been successful… and no one who’s left it has done anything with any other team. Manning also went to Denver after neck surgery and in 2014 and had a record-setting year with an entirely new cast of characters. 

Let’s not confuse “greatest” with “most successful.” Or rather, greatness with success in general. Trent Dilfer and Joe Flacco have Super Bowl Rings. So do Doug Williams and Jim McMahon. Are they better than Dan Marino, Dan Fouts, or Jim Kelly? (think a moment before responding.).

Brady is unquestionably the primary cog in the greatest machine ever to take the field in the National Football League. But it is the system, not the quarterback, that makes this team winners. Keep in mind, Brady was on the sidelines for the game-winning plays in three of the five championships his teams won.

Finally, regarding the Win-Loss record between Brady and Manning head-to-head: Brady won 11 games versus Manning's 6. However, after the Patriots beat the lousy Colts teams he faced in the first 6 contests, Manning actually went 6-5 over the final 11 matchups between the two QBs... including 3 AFC Championship wins. All he needed was time for his teams to mature, something Brady didn't have to ask for, and in 17 NFL seasons, never has.

That being said, Manning holds most of the significant regular season all-time passing records and is a 7-time first team All Pro (no other player at his position has earned that distinction more than 3 times, and Brady has only gotten the nod twice). He was able to identify and pick apart opposing defenses like no other quarterback in history, and in the late minutes of a close game he was untouchable.

So to anyone with space left in their heads for a rational discussion about the greatest quarterback of all-time (and stop using GOAT, Pats fans; that distinction is for Jerry Rice and you know it), here you have it.

Go Bengals

Things I'd Like to See More of:
Bernese Mountain Dogs
White NFL wide receivers
Tapas restaurants
Nightman
Silly walks
Well-made horror films
.300 seasons for Robinson Cano
Open road
Physically fit women
Kharma at work
Semicolons
Little green ghouls
Discoveries of new species of squid/octopus
Lead actor roles for Michael Shannon*
Owls
well, that's enough for a Tuesday in January

* "I saaaid... hire me."
The man can flat-out act, folks.

Outrageous Pro Bowl Snubs, Part the Second

Philip Rivers, 2008: 4009 passing yards, 34 TD, 105.5 QB rating
Led the league in passing TD and Rating, but fat dummy Brett Favre still got the nod over him

Drew Brees, 2015: 4870 passing yards, 32 TD, 11 Int
In a year where 11 quarterbacks were named to the Pro Bowl thanks to 4 replacement picks, Brees still got the shaft

DeAngelo Williams, 2008: 18 rushing TD, 20 total TD, 5.5 yards per rush
Led the league in both rushing TD and overall TD

Below are the official high and low temperatures in Boston so far this year:
January 1: 44 / 33
January 2: 41 / 28
January 3: 44 / 39
January 4: 48 / 33

Not bad at all!

Finally, here are the chorus lyrics of Pearl Jam's "Better Man," in Spanish:

Ella miente y dice que está enamorada de el,

No puede encontrar a un mejor hombre 
Ella sueña en colores, sueña en rojo, 
No puede encontrar a un mejor hombre… 
Ohhhhh… 

Oh, Crap

A selected list of phrases the O.C. could stand for other than Orange County:

Ostrich Coop

Ornery Chameleons

Ocean City

Omnipresent Crust

Obese Chimpanzees

Olfactory Conundrum

Obsessive Crapping

Orderly Chaos

Office Chairman

Obligatory Cunnilingus

Outspoken Chef

Outrageous Pro Bowl Snubs, Part 1…

Isaac Bruce, 1995: 119 receptions, 1781 yards, 13 TD

1781 receiving yards is still 5^th most all time in a single season

LaDanian Tomlinson, 2003: 1683 rush yards, 725 receiving yards, 17 TD

2370 yards from scrimmage is 4^th most all-time in a single season

Matthew Stafford, 2011: 5038 passing yards, 41 TD, 16 INT

His team also went 10-6 after winning 8 combined games the previous 2 seasons

That's enough of that.

“Print is dead.” 

-Dr. Egon Spengler

Aye, but Blogging is alive and well!

More inspirational quotes? OK then!

“Everything I touch turns to shit.” – Matt M., co-worker

“I want to go across desert and meet scorpion band.” – anonymous YouTube post

“I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.” – Chris Kattan

A list of the most disappointing foods:

Apples

Spinach

Cashews

Frozen yogurt

Chocolate-covered tarantulas

Quinoa

Finally, good job, Major League Baseball, by making the correct picks for both leagues in the MVP, Cy Young, and Rookie of the Year Awards.

WAR doesn't tell the whole story, folks

But wait! There's more...

5. Albert Pujols

"It's not THAT big, guys!"

Key stats: 589 career home runs; 2-time World Series champion; 3-time NL MVP

Pujols? But he’s one of the game’s most celebrated players. True, but look at that ass! Put him in a pair of crusty grey sweatpants and Fat Albert becomes indistinguishable from the 30,000 other Walmart shoppers who every day continue to make this country a worldwide laughing stock. His last name is pronounced “Poo holes”… as in, “more than one”… for God’s sake.

6. Haile Gebrselassie

The silent assassin...

Key stats: 2 Olympic Gold Medals; 26:22.75 (10K) and 12:39.36 (5K) personal bests

Most grown men could throw this little guy head first through a basketball hoop. But in his prime, the dominative speedster set dozens world distance records and won back-to-back Olympic gold medals in the 10,000 meters (edging out Kenya’s Paul Tergat both times). He’s also set world records in the marathon, half marathon, and 20,000 meters. The Ethiopian native is a wonderful ambassador for the sport in a country that needs these kinds of success stories.

7. John Chaney

Why?

Key stats: 741 career collegiate wins; member of College Basketball Hall of Fame

Jesus God look at this guy!! (clears throat)… most of us remember John as the long-time head coach of Temple basketball. But before this bug-eyed weirdo took the reins of the Owls program, he was quite the player himself, competing in the Eastern Professional Basketball League with the Sunbury Mercuries (1955-63), the Williamsport Billies (1963-66), and the Altoona Ugly Fucks (documentation pending). On a lighter note, he also once threatened to kill John Calipari.

Finally, some AMAZING BUT TRUE FACTS!

There are over 300 currently recognized species of octopus

In 2015, Walmart sold more bananas than any other item

Tongue prints are as unique as fingerprints

Character actor Stephen Tobolowsky has 248 acting credits

The Big Bang Theory inexplicably has an IMDB rating of 8.4

Former MLB first baseman Norm Cash hit .243 in 1962, 118 points lower than the previous year

All that is gold does not glitter...

A List of Athletes Who Don’t (or didn’t) Look Like Athletes

1. Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox second baseman

why so confused?

Key stats: 2008 American League MVP; 4 Gold Gloves;.301 lifetime batting average; 2 World Series rings

Dustin is only about 5’8” tall, and he probably got picked last in sandlot games as a youth until the other kids saw how he could hit the ball. His unorthodox, lurching swing makes one’s back hurt just looking at it.

2. David Wells, former starting pitcher

over the line!

Key stats: 239 career wins; 3 All-Star appearances; 2 World Series rings

David looks like a guy who consistently bowls in the 170s or 180s in your Wednesday night bowling league, all while individually polishing off a case of Busch Light. While this no doubt makes him a good friend and valuable addition to your team, these skills don’t quite fit the qualification of “athlete.”

3. Sam Cassell, former point guard

"take me to your leader..."

Key stats: 15.7 career points per game; 3 NBA Championship rings; 1-time All-Star

He really looks less like a former professional basketball player than some sort of alien burn victim. Sam spent his 15-year NBA career with Houston, Milwaukee, Minnesota, and a couple others before retiring at the end of the 2007-08 season. He then took a job as a commentator so he can continue creeping us out on television, and currently works as an assistant coach with the LA Clippers.

4. Pablo Sandoval, third baseman (?)

he's the one in red, to avoid confusion

Key stats: 3 World Series rings; 2012 World Series MVP; 2 All-Star appearances

The “Kung Fu Panda,” a.k.a. “Round Mound of Pound” may have a well-documented weight problem, but that certainly hasn’t stopped him from – wait, what’s that? He ate so goddamn much this past winter that he got himself injured and missed the entire 2016 season? Pablo, your obesity has you standing underneath the MLB’s EXIT sign. Adjust accordingly. Fat fuck.

More to follow.

Brief life update: The move to Medford is imminent!