Here are some awful jokes!

Did you hear about the new homoerotic novel that took pop culture by storm?

It’s called 50 Shades of Heyyyy

Tupperware? 

More like tupperWhere Did It Go?*

Hey did you hear there’s a new biopic about Whitey Bulger’s sexual obsession with ethnic women?

Yeah, it’s called Black Ass

* ’cause it gets lost easily

(dodges a tomato)

States that have only one area code:

Montana (406)

Hawaii (808)

Alaska (907)

New Mexico (505)

North Dakota (701)

Wyoming (307)

Rhode Island (401)

South Dakota (605)

Idaho (208)

NFL Update: 

The Bengals are 6-0, suckers. All you New England Patriots fan bozos said it would never happen, and laughed at me in my Jeff Blake jersey, but who’s laughing now? (laughs hysterically, tries to remove syringe lodged in arm)… I am! I’m laughing. Just wait til February when they b*ttrape whichever sorry NFC team has to play them in Super Bowl LII.

Well the Patriots are doing OK, too.

Tune in next time for another NFL update.

Selected pub trivia team names for Bill and Sarah:

Wenis McGee

Dingus O’Reilly

Not without my Wenis

The Shitty Beatles

The Appreciative Deceased

Blood Donut

Shanghai Poon

Rip Van Wenis

Eh

"Took 4 glasses of wine to the face after not having dinner. Oops."
-Abby*

* you are wonderful

Observation on Marilyn Manson fans: they're just like you and me! (ominous music erupts in background)

States I'd like to visit one of these days:
Alaska
New Mexico
Colorado
California
Oregon (don't worry, Portland. I'll get there eventually)

Other quotes? OK then.

"It's disgusting, how much you drink." - my boss
"I really need a lighter or I can't smoke this..." - Chris
"I always wondered: what if you had two vaginas on your chest and one boob where your vagina is." - my other boss

I've had it.

The Twilight Zone of Anger and Stupidity

Is anyone else not buying Pandora’s bullshit?

All they do is play The Strokes! 

“Oh, you like Wilco? Let's play some Strokes!” 

“Yeah? Death Cab? How about some Strokes?”

“Oh you’re listening to The Strokes? Here’s some more Strokes!”

Your half-assed music genome project is a continuous source of frustration. I’ve had enough!*

More words of wisdom from the office:

Co-worker 1: “I just posted a sweet inspirational quote on LinkedIn”

Co-worker 2: “Nice. What is it?”
Co-worker 1: “It… shit, I forgot.”

“Colorado Springs… that’s in Colorado, right?” – anonymous

Dear God.

*I’ll keep listening, but I’m onto your act.

Here’s a good way to test a salesman who’s asking you for a job: make him create a Christian Mingles profile and see if he can get the girl to sleep with him on the first date. Everyone wins!

You know what I miss? Asian family-owned food marts. When are those making a comeback?

Finally, a few facts you never knew about Marie Curie:

1. Won not one, but TWO Nobel prizes (1903, 1911)

2. Conducted a year-long affair with physicist Paul Langevin

3. Daughter Eva Curie was a total hottie (and won 0 Nobel Prizes)**

** Don't mind if I do!

We're Not Campin' Folk...

No, we certainly are not. Thank you for the reminder, Abby - seer of seers, prognosticator of prognosticators, drinker of any alcoholic liquid in sight.

So this gluten allergy thing seems to be gathering steam. Every day more people realize they have a serious physical reaction to the consumption of gluten. Although this blog was not initially conceived to be a source of uniformed medical advice, the author has included a surefire test to help you, the reader, determine if you are one of the many afflicted with a severe gluten allergy:

Question 1: After eating a sandwich on white bread, do you...
a) say to yourself, "hey, that was a pretty good sandwich on white bread."
b) wash your meal down with a cold brew
c) shit violently for thirteen hours
d) make another sandwich

An answer of "C" should be cause for mild concern... (awkward pause)... that's probably a good start at any rate.

SUMMARY OF EXPERIENCES FROM THE WEEKEND OF JIM AND NANCY'S WEDDING:
Hours driven: 16.5
Miles traveled: approx. 962
Wrong turns made: several
Species of owls observed: 4
Neckties discarded: 1
Pieces of asparagus eaten: 22
Shots of Bulleit rye consumed: too many
Showers taken: 2

Alright, alright.

"... we're bar folk."

Well, no...

But, yeah...

It's the first new post to the Rant since the last sad, drunken entry of March 2014. And it's the start of great things!*

* - highly debatable

Three days into a new job, here are some of the phrases I've heard leave the mouths of co-workers:

"... so that's definitely going to probably happen, I think..."
"It's literally the worst thing ever!"* (referring to a minor glitch in Outlook's email signature settings)
"This is so good I'm literally going to have a heart attack..." (referring to a Farmer Brown's lunch salad)
"You can see that our office actually decreased in production last quarter. So... we need to not do that..."

Keep the wisdom coming, people! We're LITERALLY 60% of the way through the work week! You see the usage there? Is it really that difficult?

(wipes forehead)

Significant life changes I am considering this year:

1) limiting the drinking to one night per week
2) traveling out of the country for the first time*
3) starting to wear Hawaiian shirts
4) getting a new pair of eye glasses after 15 years
5) beginning to pronounce the 'a' in "theatre"
6) participating in a local community beautification project
7) eating a plate of mantis shrimp **

*sorry, Canada; one sloppy night in Windsor doesn't qualify. Good times, though.

**"Think you can handle it, buddy?"

Chances that the author will finally begin posting with some regularity: ~57%

FTF

Fuck the Following:

Land mines
Expired pasta sauce
Filipino women
Grease
Self-help books
Vegans
The last 75 pages of White Teeth
Shoes that come with shoelaces of inadequate length
Old Spice
Denver Broncos fans
2013
Pickle shots
Dave Matthews detractors *
Green bell peppers
The Academy Awards
Lice

- * He was good for a while, folks!

Is the Rant back?
We shall see; even I don't know anymore.

Well, Shit

Sorry, Blog. I abandoned you once again, albeit briefly. Let us not forget the 18 months that passed from October 2009 to April 2011 where I failed to write a single word. So really no need to blow the brief hiatus in February out of proportion.

That being said, here is a list of foods I wish I'd eat more of:

FOODS I WISH I'D EAT MORE OF:
1) Catfish (grilled)
2) Ice Cream (assorted flavors)
3) Bacon
4) Asparagus
5) Bacon-wrapped Asparagus
6) Cheerios

Many have asked for my take on the new Adidas Zumbaz line of NCAA uniforms. My insights are as follows:

Terrible! *

To be honest, this is more of a filler entry before St. Patrick's Day's BEST BLOG POST EVER, in which the humble author will attempt to bring his craft to new heights and deliver the finest post ever written in the prestigious history of the Rant.
Until next time...

* A blind Persian could do better!