Merry Chr... Whatever

Not sure where the last week went. To the past, probably.
OK, question answered.

MOST EXCITING CHRISTMAS GIFT:
New digital camera, which will allow me to document various activities of note, particularly the creation of an extensive study of my spending habits in The Year of Our Lord 2013.

LEAST EXCITING CHRISTMAS GIFT:
Socks.

Have you ever found yourself watching a football game at a bar only to discover half-way through that it's a re-run from earlier in the season? Man was my face red. *

Here are some cool lyrics from Neil Young written backwards:

niar eht ni wodniw eht hguorht gnihsalf sthgil deR
?naom sneris eht raeh uoy naC
enal eht ni renroc eht ni gniyl enac etihW
enola emoh gniklaw er'uoy fI
...nwod uoy gnirb ti tel t'noD

* redness primarily attributed to embarrassment, as can be discerned from context; however, the impact of consumption of several intoxicating beverages cannot be disregarded as a factor.

Most disappointing types of cookies:

1) Oatmeal raisin
2) Sugar
3) White chocolate macadamia nut

And now for something serious...
GOALS FOR 2013:

• Get back in shape
• Travel to Europe
• Learn Spanish
• Eat a kind of meat I've never tried before +
• Learn "Rylynn" on guitar (holy shit, folks) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsD6uEZsIsU
• Earn spot as second-string QB for New York Jets
• Land HBO stand-up special

+ - possibilities: Caribou; Polar bear; Snake

Best post ever? Definitely.

Nice Try, Mayans

12/21/12. It's like binary code. Except 0's have been replaced by 2's. Or maybe the 0's became 1's and the 1's subsequently 2's. I don't care.

Annoying things people say about movies:

Fight Club (1997): "Yeah I knew Brad Pitt wasn't real the whole time."
Inception (2010): "Yeah I knew it was all a dream the whole time."
The Dark Knight Rises (2012): "Yeah I knew the child in the prison was actually that Miranda chick and not Bain the whole time."
Jerry Maguire (1996): "Yeah I knew Tom Cruise was really a robot sent by the Russians to destroy us the whole time."

I don't believe any of you!

Set list from recent stand-up set:
1) Sorrow (Bourbon and Screaming)
2) Dildos for Christmas
3) Superman vs. Perpetual Jock Itch Man
4) Snow
5) The Rainforest

Nailed it.

A list of beers I enjoy:
Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale; Blue Moon; Shock Top Midnight Wheat; Chimay Triple; Sam Adams Octoberfest; Hite (Korean); Smuttynose IPA; Red Stripe

Fans of The Decemberists... this is your month! Emo.

Worst post ever? It's in the running...

Lumberjack Breakfast of Sorrow

Seasons of the year, rated best to worst:
1. Autumn
2. Summer
3. Spring
4. Winter

Top Breakfast Foods:
1. Bacon
2. Eggs
3. Hashbrowns
4. Rye Toast
5. French Toast

I really wish I could watch NFL or NCAA football player highlight reels on Youtube without the horrendous, bullshit rap song that invariably accompanies them. Can someone please get on this? Dozens of people will thank you.

Co-Worker Power Rankings, Week 3:
1. Nick Brooks - photographer, philosopher, swinger
2. Arleen Reynolds - dancer, model employee, baker extraordinaire *
3. Brandon Fry - music connoisseur, Kansas City Chiefs fan, charasmatic conversationalist
4. Johnny Gauntt - pinball wizard, Karaoke enthusiast, purveyor of the island lifestyle +
5. Tina Hatch - mother, bride-to-be, epic lunch companion

* - refers to actual baking, as is performed in a kitchen
+ - see Tommy Bahama official site for reference point if needed

Remember when people used to talk about giant squids? I'd really like to see one of those in action. An alive one.

Maybe someday.

This is not good enough, folks.

SUNDAY FUNDAY

Pizza Hut is a continuous source of disappointment.

For those of you who have not yet listened to Fleet Foxes, for God's sake, do yourselves a favor and download their stuff. Or even better, go old school and purchase their CD's. There are good times to be had!

Suggested tracks:
1) Blue Ridge Mountains
2) Ragged Wood
3) Mykonos

Here is something that needs to stop: Commercials using modified lyrics to the tune of Christmas songs in order to sell their products. All this makes me want to do is find whoever came up with the idea and smack him/her in the head.

CO-WORKER POWER RANKINGS, WEEK 2:
1) Arleen Reynolds *
2) Tina Hatch
3) Brandon Fry
4) Jaime Jiminez
5) Sara Henry +

* - finds spot atop the list when it was determined that rumors of a failed HGH drug test were completely fabricated

+ - makes debut on rankings after an entertaining near emotional breakdown this past Friday.

In case you're wondering if tuna sandwiches and Shock-Top go well together as a meal, the answer is no.

Next time: Nature and Such segment continues with a list of the coolest plants.

Nature and Such

The second post in the past year and a half is here! The author is attempting to once again generate the dozens of page views that helped once make this blog the 81,324,579th most popular site on the web. Today's topic: NATURE... and such.

After some thought and extensive Wikipedia research, it turns out I don't possess a great deal of knowledge on the subject, so how about starting out with a list of the coolest animals.

COOLEST ANIMALS:
1) Bengal tiger
2) Great horned owl
3) Blobfish *
4) Blue-ringed octopus
5) Crocodile

* - Seriously, look at this thing

COOLEST IMAGINARY ANIMALS:
1) Werewolf
2) Ahool (or, "giant bat" to the lay man)
3) Loch Ness Monster
4) R.O.U.S.'s
5) Minotaur

We'll worry about plants another time... this nature stuff is exhausting. Biologists- how do you do it?

Finally, here are a few more predictions for the future (for previous predictions, see October 15, 2009 entry): 
2013: People who believed the Mayans are going to feel just silly.
2128: Hilary Clinton's cryogenically frozen head will be elected President of the United States, narrowly edging the incumbent robot president as well as Clinton's cryogenically-frozen left breast.
2882: People will have absolutely had it with palindromes.
3001: Final construction on Woody Allen's brainchild, the Orgasmatron, will be successfully completed, ensuring constant access to physical pleasure for owners of the device.
3002: All wars will end.
3004: After a brief period of peace, the War to End All Wars will commence, this time over the world's supply of Orgasmatrons.

Hmmm.

This Again?

One new post every 18 months? Sounds about right.

Six Bizarre stats about Baseball Hall of Famer Wade Boggs:
1) He was not elected to an All-Star team until he was 27 years old
2) His 8 Silver Slugger awards as a third baseman are the most all time
3) He led the league in intentional walks from 1987 to 1992
4) At one time he had a four-year-long extramarital affair *
5) His middle name is Anthony
6) He really likes lemon chicken

* - the lucky lady? You guessed it: Margo Adams, California mortgage broker

A new weekly segment on the blog begins... Weekly Yodle Co-Worker Power Rankings. This list will attempt to recognize the 5 people forced to spend the day here with me for their contributions to my continued sanity. Week 1:

WEEK 1 CO-WORKER POWER RANKINGS:
1) Tina Hatch
2) Kyle Day
3) Arleen Reynolds *
4) Brandon Fry +
5) Jaime Jimenez

* - dropped from a likely first place slot when it was determined that she had been using performance-enhancing drugs to save deals with clients
+ - sleeper pick who must continue to provide insight into writing and the sports world in order to maintain his spot in the rankings

Set list from my most recent stand-up routine:
War of 1812; Porcupines; Jada Pinkett; Tattoos; Spray painting my balls; Fantasy Football

I thought I'd have more to say after 18 month. Well, the hell with it. Until next time, sleep well.