Four Greatest Soft Drinks:
1. Ginger Ale
2. Dr. Pepper
3. Coke
4. Root Beer

Five Greatest Beers:
1. Sam Adams Winter Lager
2. Smithwick’s Irish Ale
3 Newcastle Brown Ale
4. Corona Extra Pilsner
5. Harp Irish Lager

Four Worst Breeds of Dog:
1. Toy Poodle
2. Chihuahua
3. Pug
4. Shih Tzu

Four Grossest People:
1. Dick Cheney
2. Hilary Clinton
3. O.J. Simpson
4. Doug Flutie

Three Dumbest Sports:
1. Field hockey
2. Soccer
3. Tennis

Ahem.

Special congratulations to NFL wideouts Randy Moss and Terrell Owens for their outstanding performances this weekend (both caught 4 touchdown passes in their teams’ winning efforts on Sunday). Well done, men. I hate you both.

Three worst colors:
3. Pink
2. Bright green
1. Yellow

And now for the announcement of the second Douche Bag of the Week Award:

This week’s winner: Bill Sheehan (me)
To begin a new weekly award segment on the blog, and then fail to make a second post for 22 days, is as inexcusable as it is nonsensical. My carelessness has in effect robbed two potential recipients, two real douche bags, of being honored with the award, and for that I both apologize and gladly select myself as this week’s winner.

This week’s runner-up: Denver Broncos coach Mike Shanahan
Can we stop with this “icing the kicker” bullshit? It doesn’t work, and it just cost your team three points on national television. You douche bag.

Four NBA players I really like: Steve Nash; Kevin Garnett; LeBron James; Adam Morrison *

* - out for the 2007-08 season (knee injury)

Ok.

Here’s another entry…

World Series update #2:

Way to go, Rockies. This group of .220 hitters showed just how pathetic the National League really is. Another great run for the Sox, though. Special congratulations to the following:
Mike Lowell: an MVP performance (.400 average, 6 runs and 4 RBI)
Jon Papelbon: clutch pitching in the two 1-run wins, including Game 4
Josh Beckett: another great outing as the number-one starter
Jacoby Ellsbury: hit .438 and won everyone in America free diarrhea
Dustin Pedroia: led off Game 1 with a homer and played very solid defense

Red Sox 4; Rockies 0

Part of me wishes Vanessa Carlton was as hot as she sounds.
Ahem.

Three comedians I really like:
George Carlin; Dennis Miller; Lewis Black

Three comedians I really don’t like:
Carlos Mencia; Margaret Cho; Roseanne

Finally, a new segment on the Rant: The Douche Bag of the Week Award. This distinction will be awarded to an individual who has demonstrated foolish, obnoxious, or otherwise unfortunate qualities over the past seven days to the extent that he or she can appropriately be labeled a douche bag.

This week’s winner: Tim McCarver
A color commentator whose absurd level of incompetence and long-windedness, combined with a total lack of command of the English language, make him truly painful to listen to on a nightly basis. Congratulations Tim, and good luck to next week's contestants.

Enough for now.

Some more things I’m tired of:
Old people at bars
Unemployment
“Family Guy”
That really ugly porn star who’s in all the HBO late night films
Tim McCarver
Amstel Light
Online poker
Doug Flutie
Guys whose nicknames consist of their first name initial followed by “Dog”
The Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning comparison
People who bring signs to baseball games
The “Halloween” movies
Birds

World Series update #1:

Mercifully, the Red Sox are putting to rest all of this “Rocktober” garbage along with the talk of Colorado being the team of destiny in Major League Baseball. I mean let’s keep it in perspective: they play in the National League.

Sox 2; Rockies 0

Well, that’s the update. Better than anything you’ll hear from that asshole McCarver anyway.

UCLA must feel like shit.

There are only five days until my second of three trips to South Bend, this one to see the Irish take on those tools from Boston College, and another entry is needed. The faithful readers of this blog- both of them- probably wonder, how, after all the entertaining and outrageous posts to this point, could I do something to get people excited about the blog again? How could I possibly top myself? Well, I’ve done it. Here for the first time ever on Magnolia’s Rant are Bill’s Original Food Recipes.

BILL’S ORIGINAL FOOD RECIPES:

Rice Krispios: take ¾ cup of Rice Krispies and ¾ cup Cheerios and mix them in a bowl. Add milk (preferably 1 percent) and enjoy.

English muffin pizzas: heat an English muffin in the toaster until golden in color. Spread pizza or spaghetti sauce on the surface and top with Mozarella cheese. Place in pre-heated oven at 375 degrees until cheese is melted.

Fried winter chips: these are really just Smiley Fries covered with vanilla frosting. They are horrible for you but taste very good and are not harmful when consumed in small portions.

Jell-O omelet: this is just what it sounds like, an omelet with Jell-O in it (strawberry preferred; raspberry permitted; orange and cherry strongly discouraged). I haven’t tried this one yet but I thought of it once when I was high and I don’t see how it can miss.

I can’t decide whether or not I like Sarah Silverman.

FIRST TITLED BLOG

Well it’s been almost a month. I guess it’s about time for a new post…

Things I’m tired of:
Car commercials with annoying music
Reality television
People who think Ray Romano is funny
Occasional sobriety
Watching Eric Gagne pitch
Watching Jason Varitek suck
Watching Eric Hinske strike out
Offensive new Facebook applications
Online job postings
HBO
NFL sideline reporters
The New England Patriots
The Michael Vick debate
Cheese

Unemployment log, Day 57:
1:18PM: woke to the sound of an alarm
1:21PM: turned off alarm, went back to sleep
2:34PM: awoke, made tuna sandwich
3:51PM: watched TV in basement
5:42PM: got something out of car
6:02PM: ate dinner
6:28PM: more TV in basement
8:09PM: checked voicemail
8:22PM: made new blog post
8:33PM: returned to basement

…more to follow…

That’s it for this damned month.

Things I’m grateful for:
Antiseptic
The corn muffin
Beer
Adrenaline
The roadside diner
Bonnie Tyler

A serious problem I have with Meg Ryan:
Before deciding to show her pale, seriously aging body in In the Cut, this woman was rich and famous for doing the same thing over and over again: playing an annoying, slightly past-her-prime, lovelorn simpleton who traces her way through a predictable, uninteresting plotline only to end up with a less-than-attractive male friend-turned-lover. Look at the people she hooked up with in those movies! Tom Hanks, Nicholas Cage (sort of), Billy Crystal?! To hell with her. I hope she ends up penniless and bald.

Random superlatives, second installment:
Ugliest pro baseball player: Miguel Cairo
Thinnest U.S. state: Colorado
Largest land animal: African bush elephant
Most pathetic sports franchise: Los Angeles Clippers
Coolest physically unattractive actress: Kathy Bates
Most venomous spider: Brazilian wandering spider (Phoneutria nigriventer)
Darkest color: Black

This post has ended.

Another great thing about baseball: the day-night double-header

Animals I’m most afraid of getting attacked by:
Spider
Shark
Dog
Alligator
Cicada killer wasp
Checca
Wild boar

Hmmm… what the hell else is there to say?

The following is a list of soups to avoid:
Campbell’s chicken and barley
Hot and sour

…well I guess there are only two I can think of. Soup is pretty great, in general. Especially if you’re hungry but don't want to waste a whole lot of time chewing something.

RUNNING TALLY... SENTENCES ENDED WITH A PREPOSITION: 2

There really is no excuse for a post of such poor quality. I have trouble understanding why I am voluntarily displaying this to the public. Well that's enough for a good long while let's hope.

Five great things about baseball:
The complete game shutout
The 5-4-3 double play
The knockdown pitch
The suicide squeeze
The sacrifice fly

This is the stuff I like. Not that you’ll see a whole lot of it on SportsCenter, among all of the home runs, slam dunks, and coverage of Michael Vick’s amusing off-the-field endeavors. What a bunch of putzes.

THE SAFETY SQUEEZE IS FOR PANSIES

Recent purchases:
Double Stacker and medium Dr. Pepper from Burger King
Eraser Head DVD (2000 remastered edition)
Two 20-pound dumbbells from Dick’s Sporting Goods
Small Cincinnati Bengals black women’s short-sleeve shirt *
$33.57 worth of regular gas for Honda Accord
6-pack of Sam Adams Boston Lager

* - purchased as a gift; ‘black’ is used to qualify ‘shirt’, not ‘women’

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: THE ADHESIVE END OF A STAMP CONTAINS 1/10 OF A CALORIE

Finally, a list of really cool insects:
Walking stick; Hercules beetle; Praying mantis; Cicada killer wasp; Water strider (a.k.a. Jesus bug); Dragonfly

Well I'll be damned if my idiocy hasn't caused me to lose all access to my previous blog, Magnolia's Rant. Having forgotten my user name and password, I requested that the information be sent to my Notre Dame email account. And having lost access to my Notre Dame email account, I was of course unable to receive the information. So I have embarked on a new blog, a better blog, one whose distinguished quality and style will put its predecessor to shame. Let's give it a try.

List of infectious diseases beginning with the letter 'P':
Poliomyelitis
Pneumococcal pneumenonia
Psittacosis
Pediculosis
Progressive multifocal leukencephalopathy
Pinworm infection
Plague

Well I've had enough of this "being employed" shit. For now...

First Job Summation:
Days worked: 10
Pizzas eaten: 5
Acquaintances made: 14
Miles driven: 378
Customers encountered: 2859
Dollars earned: 475
Resignations announced: 1
Ginger Ale's purchased: 4

I'll let the yuppies, the businessmen, these... suits, get up early and make something of themselves. My life is fulfilling enough: sleeping til 2 pm, playing guitar, watching Dark Angel reruns, creating pointless lists on Blogger, eating Melba Snacks, and doing it all while living in my parents' basement. Hmmm...

Finally, some brief words of caution regarding the Hippopotamus:
These things are mean. Vicious! And very territorial. Of course this image is contrary to the common conception of these animals. But don't let the Hungry, Hungry Hippos game fool you! If you get near one of these mammoths in the water, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. If you do come into close contact with a hippo, and aren't ready to die, and you happen to be with a friend, throw the friend toward the hippo while you make a fast and safe exit out of there. If anyone asks, say the hippo went after him first.
Okay.