Feral Cats and Wing Dings

I wish I could go back to the days when I'd open Netflix and not be visually assaulted by the video of some fat shirtless fuck attempting to do stand-up comedy. There are thousands of streaming options to showcase on the home page, Netflix, and you choose this talentless wildebeest? *

Save it for your your dimwitted sister-cousins and uncle-brothers, pal.

What else... Let's hear it for online AA meetings! Sobrietayyy!

Selected musicians/bands I'd like to listen to more of:
Richard Buckner
Bombay Bicycle Club
The Rosebuds
Blue Mountain
Treetop Flyers
The Rural Alberta Advantage
Cara Dillon

Oh and apparently, Horsemen 9 through 12 were bitching about being left off the February 21st post (read it, it's not so terrible!), so here you go, you greedy bastards. Reserves to the reserves, backups to the non-playmakers, thank you for your service:

Horseman 9: Morning Breath
Horseman 10: Ailurophobia
Horseman 11: Ingrown Toenails
Horseman 12: Boredom

Well, that'll do it.

* You can do better !
Preach, Dikembe!

The Adventures of Flan Lady and Pancake Man!

(Dramatic orchestral score)
Flan Lady and Pancake Man!
Fuckin' shit up and makin' criminals pay!
Eatin' flans and pancakes and makin' a stand
They're mentally unwell but that's ok!
Tryin' to do good as long as they're able
The most feared duo at the kitchen table!

Just when you think this blog's sunk as low as it can go, there'a trap door... 
(fart sounds)

Danger factor for various public health concerns 
(0 to 10 scale)
Influenza: 4.2 - Typically results in 50,000 + deaths per year worldwide
Coronavirus: 3.1 - Biggest problem here seems related to a nation-wide toilet paper shortage
Pabst Blue Ribbonvirus: 7.9 - A much deadlier contagion with symptoms that include a massive reduction in IQ, loose stool*, and an all-consuming obsession with the movie Blue Velvet

* Too bad you a-holes took all the T.P., eh?

Hang in there, buddy.

The Unsung Heroes

This post is dedicated to the back-ups to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

Horseman 5: Excessive Flatulence 

Horseman 6: Marital Strife

Horseman 7: Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Horseman 8: Lupus

Your names may never have made their way into the Good Book, but you were reliable reserves to the Big Four, and I’ll be damned if you couldn’t ride like hell.

In other news, the Countdown to Springtime is underway:

27 Days, 12 Hours, 57 Minutes...

Huzzah! Down with the Groundhog, Huzzah!

That's right, you little bitchass rodent, your time is nearly up!

Happy Valentine's Day, or...

Happy:

Voodoo Doll

Voluptuous Dolphin

Vandalized Doorknob

Vicious Demagogue

Violent Doberman

Vaporous Daybreak

Vaginal Drainage

Voracious Dendrophile

Vicarious Daydream

Vulgar Deviant

Veal Drizzle

Vin Diesel

Viola, Delaware

Vampire Dogs

Modified lyrics of The Star-Spangled Banner replacing every fifth word with "porcupine":

Oh, say can you porcupine by the dawn’s early porcupine?

What so proudly we porcupined at the twilight’s last porcupine?

Whose broad stripes and porcupine stars through the perilous porcupine,

O’er the ramparts we porcupined were so gallantly streaming?

Procupine the rocket’s red glare, porcupine bombs bursting in air

Porcupined proof through the night porcupine our flag was still porcupine

Oh, say does that porcupine-spangled banner yet wave

O’er porcupine land of the free porcupine the home of the porcupine?

Why do I do these things?

Finally, a well-earned pat on the back to Bruins rising superstar David Pastrnak. His recent hat trick against the Canadiens put him back at the top of the league in goals with 41. Keep up the good work, sir!
Hats off to you!

Don't worry.
We'll get those teeth fixed later, buddy!

Give it to me straight, Doc... is it lupus?

Fun facts about Reno, Nevada:

Nicknamed “Biggest Little City in the World”

A mere 22 miles from Lake Tahoe!

Population: approx. 251,000

Birthplace of WSOP star* Jennifer Harman

Home to the Diamondbacks AAA affiliate Reno Aces

Annual rainfall: approx. 7.48 in.

* term "star" used loosely

Words that ought to get more colloquial use:

Gloaming

Somnambulant

Woopie

Chap

Serendipity

Balustrade

Freewheeling

Spooky

In other news…

It’s that crap time of year in sports between the end of the NFL season and the start of Major League Baseball. Brace yourselves for a tough next six weeks. What’s that you say? We still have March Madness to look forward to? Spoiler alert: it’s fixed. 

And, there's no Santa. 

I'm callin' yer bluff, Magnolia

Like Justin Long's acting career, this blog just won't die!

Also like Long's acting career, no one seems to be paying any attention...

"You should take up smoking, Bill."
-Mike Tucker, co-worker

Things I've heard referred to as a "game changer" in the last month:
*Charmin flush-able wet wipes
*Patrick Mahomes
*The tiny house lifestyle
*Working the 12 Steps
*The Impossible Whopper

Super Bowl Predictions:
49ers win by 7
Mahomes throws for a hair under 300 yards
Shakira does not disappoint at halftime (though J-Lo proves to be well past her prime)

One may at this point be thinking:
Bill, it's been over 28 months since your last post. Surely, you must have more material in your repertoire than this trivial and poorly-conceived nonsense. 

To you I say... perhaps next time!


(poop emoji)

Amsterdam

Churches and trains
They all look the same to me now
They shoot you some place
While we ache to come home somehow