THE EVOLUTION OF JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT*:
1997: really hot and finally legal
1998: really really hot
1999: same
2000: still really really hot but has made WAY too many bad movies
2001: same
2002: still really hot but starting to look a little worn/anorexic
2003: same
2004: can't remember
2005: still pretty hot; Ghost Whisperer comes out; no one notices
2006: can't remember
2007: starting to let herself go a little
2008: Whoa, there it is. SHAMU!
2009: hot again. evidence in Maxim magazine

* - years 1979-1996 purposely left out

I usually give myself 2-3 months between posts in order to come up with ideas. On such short notice, I have been unable to think of anything new. So here are some more suggestions on WAYS NOT TO DIE...

Try not to die by: drowning in an inflatable kids pool. What are you trying to do, end up like Mr. Carver in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? This one is probably the most inexcusable of anything mentioned thus far.
Instead, try getting eaten by a shark in the ocean, preferably a Great White or Bull Shark. To die in this fashion is surely very scary and painful, but if there happens to be a witness with a camcorder, you just made your way onto the next season of Shark Week, TV star.

Try not to die by: falling down an old well. Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it will be to get you out of there? Have some courtesy for the people who end up finding you.
Instead, try skydiving with a parachute that won't open. It's a bold way to end things, and there is absolutely no possibility that you will come back as a vengeful, evil creature like that girl in The Ring.

If you are an American:
Try not to die: while singing the Canadian National Anthem. Everyone knows that God loves people who are patriotic. So if you happen to be singing Canada's theme song, or any other country's for that matter, you might as well just pack your bags for hell. Sorry, I don't make up these rules.
Instead, try dying while singing the chorus from Bob Segar's "Against the Wind." Everyone likes Bob Segar, and God is no exception. If you time it right, you can even add a mild hint of irony to your death. How can you complain about that?

Bars I've had enough of:
1) O'Neills, Salem, MA
2) Finnegan's, South Bend, IN
3) In a Pig's Eye, Salem, MA
4) The Pickled Onion, Beverly, MA

OK it's been a few months (4 months and 30 days to be exact) and it is time for another post. Unlike previous trivial entries, this one focuses on the bigger questions. Those of LIFE AND DEATH  (mostly death).

Every day one way or another we all try not to die. But if you simply can't avoid it and do in fact have to die, here are some suggestions on how to go about doing it. The following are examples of ways you should try and avoid having your life end, along with suggestions for better options.

Try not to die by: being attacked by a swarm of killer honey bees. This way of dying involves far too much flailing around and screaming to be dealt with. This kind of drama is just not necessary.

Instead, try getting attacked by an animal bigger than you, like an alligator or rhinocerous. This will also probably involve a significant amount of flailing and screaming, but at least people will be able to see what you're so bent out of shape about. Because that's another main problem with being killed by bees: it's really hard for people to see them.

Try not to die by: falling down a flight of stairs. That stuff is for old people. If you're still in your prime, this is no way for you to go. Who wants to go through the afterlife hearing their relatives on earth saying "Poor Pedro, if only he'd lived on the first floor."

Instead, try getting thrown down an elevator shaft. That's much more exciting, and it will definitely draw some double-takes in the obituary.

Try not to die by: choking on a hot dog. This would really be a shame. Remember when that girl almost choked to death on a hot dog in Field of Dreams, but then the doctor came off the field and saved her, but he couldn't go back? That was really nice of him. Also, if you choke on a hot dog most rational people like me will assume you were doing something inappropriate with it to get a few laughs.

Instead, try eating improperly-prepared blowfish. You'll get one last exotic meal before you go, and people will at least respect you for trying.

I am going to attempt to update this damned thing every week or so. I am unemployed again, so there is really no excuse.

-magnolia

Letter to March:

Dear March,

Hey. What the hell do you think you're doing? You are the false hope of New England. The end of February finally comes and everyone thinks "Oh, it's ok, it's ok. March is here. Winter's almost over."

Then what do you do? On your first full day? Dump 10 inches of snow on us. And make me miss work, and get yelled at by my boss because "you're a manager now, and people look up to you." What the hell is that? I'm supposed to drive around in a massive blizzard and risk plowing into a snowbank at 50 miles an hour just so I can go to Beverly and talk to a bunch of mis-fit doctors all day? And I mean our office had a "discretionary attendance policy"... doesn't that mean that I can use my discretion to not come into work and stay in Waltham and watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona instead without having to take crap from anybody?

By the way the rumors of steamy scenes featuring Penelope Cruz and  Scarlett Johansson have been vastly overblown. It's nothing to get at all excited about.

Anyway, I've really had it with you, March. You bring nothing to the table. March Madness? The best parts of it are in April. You don't even have a recognized holiday. Just 31 days of bullshit that we all have to put up with. Even crummy February has Valentine's Day, and even though it ends up costing you unnecessary money at least it virtually guarantees that you'll get laid. But you can make no such guarantee, March.

That's all. Maybe I'll make another entry in April.

Sincerely yours,

Bill

NEW POST

It has been roughly 5 months since my last entry. I realize this is a poor effort suggesting a complete lack of interest and motivation. Therefore, from this point forward I will attempt to update this blog at least once every 3 months.

This post will consist of a list of things that piss me off.

Things that piss me off:

The Baltimore Ravens

People who pronounce a hard 'g' in the word "hang"

Dunkin' Donuts

Email

The state of Virginia

Facebook

Microwaves

Grocery store cashiers who use 10 plastic bags for 12 items

Kate Winslet

Snow

The peanut-salmonella outbreak fiasco

College football announcers

Bad driving

Chinese chicken with too much batter and almost no meat

Politically-themed bumper stickers

The saying "it is what it is"

Psychiatrists

"Family Guy" reruns

People who endlessly quote "Family Guy" reruns

Mice

And as always, Jeff Van Gundy

See you again in April.

The date: August 18, 2008

The time: 8:23 PM ET

The situation: roommate needed, as current roommate Sean has found lodging in Boston.

The response: created an account on roommates.com.

The specifications requested: roommate must be: a) male b) between 21 and 26 years old; c) steadily employed; d) non-smoker; e) have good musical taste.

The results: "Roommates.com has found a match for you. 28-year old male; unemployed; smoker; self-proclaimed Celine Dion fanatic."

The specifications violated: b, c, d, e

What the hell happened to all the 21 to 26-year old employed non-smokers who don't enjoy listening to bulimic Canadian headcases screeching mindlessly on stage? Maybe they're in Boston...

Cities in which psychiatrists have gone to work for me: Dover, DE; Cleveland, OH; Humboldt County, CA; Alpena, MI; Omaha, NE.

Perhaps I will place somebody somewhere half-way decent next month.

Natalie is in Waltham!

A word about the Wilco concert I attended at Tanglewood: The show was amazing. Wilco is perhaps one of the greatest bands of the past fifteen years. And nobody knows who they are. To the three of you who read this blog: LISTEN TO WILCO. 

Suggested songs: Jesus, etc; Impossible Germany; Can't Stand It; Poor Places; Company in My Back; Hate It Here; Forget the Flowers; When You Wake Up Feeling Old.

Good stuff.

Coolest National Flags:

Malawi

Sri Lanka

Kiribati

Martinique

Saint Pierre and Miquelon

Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia

Greece

Honorable mention goes to Libya for having a flag that is essentially a plain green sheet of paper.

Brands I hate:

Old Navy

Dunkin' Donuts

McDonald's

Blockbuster

Comcast

Cadillac

Toyota

Starbucks

Evian

Vitamin Water

Coors

The NBA

The WNBA

Budweiser

A third thing: I want to talk briefly about Jeff Van Gundy. This ugly, bald shit was somehow allowed to become a commentator after a very mediocre coaching career and is possibly the most obnoxious sports announcer of all time. That's right, McCarver. Your lame ass is off the hook. Van Gundy stands alone as the one man who has never said one thing that I have agreed with. Not once. And his completely biased, anti-Celtic agenda was enough to send even the most level-headed fan over the edge. So you can imagine what it did to me.

Finally: For anyone who still reads this blog... do you ever have really bad nightmares when you fall asleep in the afternoon or evening? I do. Shit.

Thank you for your time.

Enough is enough.

The rule in basketball was that a player is allowed one step after he finishes dribbling the basketball; any more is a violation. Then the NBA allowed one step with a jump-stop at the end. Then two steps. Now a player can run around the court like he's at a goddamn track meet and the whistle won't blow.

A foul is no longer a foul. Lebron James decides he wants to pull Paul Pierce's jersey out of his pants on a chase after a loose ball and there is no call. Yet any time he or Kobe Bryant misses a shot, you can bet your ass that free throws are coming up. No joke, in the Celtics-Cavs series, particularly in Game 7, the referees called that game as if they actually were rooting for Cleveland to knock off Boston, or at the very least to make it close.

In addition, no one knows when to call a charge and when to call a block. It's a guessing game. The officiating simply has not kept up with the game itself.

What the hell happened to the NBA? I understand that Naismith never imagined the kind of athletes that would one day play this game, nor the amount of physical contact that would become a part of it. But these clowns have to start enforcing the rules. Namely:

1) Any more than one consecutive step that is not accompanied by a dribble will result in a traveling violation and loss of possession.

2) Any player palming the basketball will be called for a violation and lose possession of the ball.

3) Any player entering the paint on a free throw attempt before the ball leaves the shooter's hands will be penalized with a lane violation.

4) Officials will not treat more favorably than the rest of the league players who average 25 or more points per game.

And if the Lakers make the finals, watch out. Because it will be a disaster. I'll put the over-under on Kobe's free throw attempts per game at 17.

This is an angry blog. I'll try and make the next one more mellow. Not that anyone reads this thing anyway.