Books that didn't make it through the publisher's screening process:

Charlie Manson's Children's Stories

War and Peace II: War, What is it Good For?

The Brief, Wondrous Life of Genghis Khan

The Kama Sutra for Quadruple Amputees

The Bourne Vasectomy

That's enough of that garbage.

Some of the worst bands in the world:

1) Creed

2) Rascal Flatts

3) Dashboard Confessional

4) All American Rejects

5) as always, Nickelback

You know who I like? Jeff Goldblum. He's alright by me.

God, what the hell happened to the good old days when these posts actually had a point to them?

I wanted this to be a more sophisticated entry than my fan(s) is/are used to. Do not expect any mindless lists, misguided anger, drastically inaccurate allegations, or pointless celebrity bashing which for so long has defnied this blog. From now on things are going to be different. So sit back, relax, if you're a girl put your legs behind your head, and I will tell you a story, one of great emotional depth that will touch you to the core.

On Farting

So when I started fourth grade we had a school-wide assembly to welcome the new principal. And he was an idiot, and tried to teach all the students different crap he’d had the kids at his other school do. If he asked us to give someone a standing “o” (short for ovation) we had to stand up and put our arms over our heads and form an “o.” Same thing with a seated “o” only we were sitting. Like we were goddamn mimes or something. God was he an asshole.

Anyway, he asks us to give one final seated “o” before the end of the assembly. But before the assembly let out, I let out first. It came out of nowhere. One minute I was just sitting there; the next, things would never be the same. I ripped a fart that ricocheted off the hardwood gymnasium floor and rumbled like a thunderclap throughout the entire school. It was like a rifle being fired in a canyon. Helen Keller could have heard this thing, if she'd been there. And immediately, all two hundred people in the building turn to look at me. And all I could think to do was smile like an idiot and point to the fat kid sitting next to me. I don’t think anyone believed me.

Now, this is a true story. And if you happen to pass by the Proctor School in northern Massachusetts some day, ask one of the teachers who’s been there for a while if they recall the Great Wind Storm of ’94. Chances are they’ll ask you how I’m doing.

This has been my story of lost innocence from the fourth grade. If you have comments or would like to share your own tale of an untimely gaseous release, please feel free to reply.

I will start this post by rating the following stand-up comedians I've seen on netflix in descending order of how funny they were:

1) Ron White... I feel like this guy is a cartoon character brought to life. If I could pick one person to smoke a cigar with, he'd be it.

2) Zach Galifianakis... yes, I spelled it right. Very funny piano-playing homeless-looking guy.

3) Doug Stanhope... for all his anger, bitterness, and general bigotry, he's actually insightful and funny as hell.

4) Gilbert Gottfried... saved himself with a 9-minute version of the Aristocrats joke to end his performance.

5) Joe Rogan... after about 15 minutes I went to make some Bagel Bites and forgot I was watching him, but I remember him being okay.

6) Daniel Tosh... self-absorbed, elitist prick who is about 1/10 as funny as he thinks he is.

7) Jaime Kennedy... please don't ever perform again.

AND NOW FOR A NEW SEGMENT ON THIS BLOG:

PREDICTIONS FOR THE FUTURE!!!

2012: NBC will finally realize its mistake in giving Conan O'Brien's old spot to Jimmy Fallon, and decide to replace him... with Sylvester Stallone.

2091: The Los Angeles Clippers will finally win an NBA Championship, with the help of the newly-unfrozen Lebron James.

2124: The first robot will be elected President.

2273: Mildly retarded aliens will land on Earth and ask for directions to Pluto.

2525: People will still unanimously agree that Zager and Evans are just awful.

You know what would make dog parks a lot more sanitary? Dog colostomy bags.

Well this wasn't very funny. We'll try it again some other time.

FUN STORIES

Here are some fun stories I've thought of that may give people a better idea of what kind of person I am and get to know me a little better. Hope you enjoy/that anyone will read this.

When I got invited to play volleyball with my neighbors I thought I’d get a big laugh if instead of hitting the ball when it came to me, I’d just let it hit the ground and start talking to it and calling it Wilson, like the guy in Castaway. I did that about five times in a row before they kicked me out of the game and told me never to come back. I guess they just don’t like Tom Hanks movies.

I was so happy when I got mugged. It was the first time in almost a month that I hadn’t had any cash in my wallet. These muggers were beating the crap out of me for no reason! It was hilarious. Then they found out that I had no money and started beating me even harder, out of anger. That made me stop feeling happy and become really upset. But then, when my head hit the pavement, I saw that I had landed right next to a shiny new quarter! It was the happiest I’d been since I’d started getting mugged. But then the muggers took the quarter from me. Talk about a day full of mixed emotions.

She was my first true love. I remember how I used to follow her around all day, hiding behind bushes and parked cars, and how she used to pretend she didn’t see me, or maybe she really couldn’t because I was hiding. And I’ll never forget the one time she playfully sprayed mace in my eyes and threw me down a flight of stairs. The whole way to the hospital I kept thinking to myself, “What a woman!”

That's about it for now.

Notre Dame monitor: 4-1, bye week coming up. USC the week after. A win there would make the season.

Bengals monitor: 3-1, division-leading Baltimore coming up next week. Who know what the hell they'll do.