America?

Holy fuck.

I've had it. There are too many of you fat, sloppy-assed shit clowns who are fucking things up for the good ones, whoever or wherever they are.

A few hints, you incoherent wooly mammoths, to help make life a little more bearable for those around you:

1) STOP RUNNING RED LIGHTS
you arrogant cock suckers in your invasively enormous Chevy's and inexplicably oversized SUV's carrying zero passengers and wasting petroleum and space. Wherever you are going, it can't possibly be as important as you imagine. Next time, just leave your piece of shit domicile five minutes earlier so the punctuality of your arrival to your meaningless job is not dependent on your ability to play chicken with cars traveling in the opposite direction who have... wait for it... the GREEN LIGHT and right of way.

2) TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING HIGH BEAMS
you are not the only person on the road, you asshole. And despite your utterly oblivious mindset that omits anything and everything outside your dead-eyed psyche, your blinding high beams endanger everyone around you. Also, IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING DARK OUT. Your vision will adjust.

3) IT IS OK TO WALK UP AND DOWN ESCALATORS
you fat, disgustingly lazy piece of shit. The fact that these magical stairs are moving under your overly burdened, Reebok-clad feet does not require you to stand motionless like a creepy statue as you arrive to your destination. Is it that hard to move one leg in front of the other, or do you feel so entitled that the act of moving on your own is below you? YOU LOOK LIKE THOSE SUICIDAL FUCKS FROM "THE HAPPENING."

4) READ A FUCKING BOOK
I know, I know. The concept of taking time off from your video games, snap chats, reality TV shows, and all the other idiotic activities that should have been shaken off in your teenage years in order to digest the material of a modern day poet is frightening. Well, it's time to make a change. Our language itself is half-dead, having been forced to bow to your complete and consistent ineptitude. YOU ARE RAPING OUR VERY LANGUAGE AND LIKING IT. I HOPE IT RAPES YOU BACK.

Until next time. Heyo.

Here are some awful jokes!

Did you hear about the new homoerotic novel that took pop culture by storm?

It’s called 50 Shades of Heyyyy

Tupperware? 

More like tupperWhere Did It Go?*

Hey did you hear there’s a new biopic about Whitey Bulger’s sexual obsession with ethnic women?

Yeah, it’s called Black Ass

* ’cause it gets lost easily

(dodges a tomato)

States that have only one area code:

Montana (406)

Hawaii (808)

Alaska (907)

New Mexico (505)

North Dakota (701)

Wyoming (307)

Rhode Island (401)

South Dakota (605)

Idaho (208)

NFL Update: 

The Bengals are 6-0, suckers. All you New England Patriots fan bozos said it would never happen, and laughed at me in my Jeff Blake jersey, but who’s laughing now? (laughs hysterically, tries to remove syringe lodged in arm)… I am! I’m laughing. Just wait til February when they b*ttrape whichever sorry NFC team has to play them in Super Bowl LII.

Well the Patriots are doing OK, too.

Tune in next time for another NFL update.

Selected pub trivia team names for Bill and Sarah:

Wenis McGee

Dingus O’Reilly

Not without my Wenis

The Shitty Beatles

The Appreciative Deceased

Blood Donut

Shanghai Poon

Rip Van Wenis

Eh

"Took 4 glasses of wine to the face after not having dinner. Oops."
-Abby*

* you are wonderful

Observation on Marilyn Manson fans: they're just like you and me! (ominous music erupts in background)

States I'd like to visit one of these days:
Alaska
New Mexico
Colorado
California
Oregon (don't worry, Portland. I'll get there eventually)

Other quotes? OK then.

"It's disgusting, how much you drink." - my boss
"I really need a lighter or I can't smoke this..." - Chris
"I always wondered: what if you had two vaginas on your chest and one boob where your vagina is." - my other boss

I've had it.

The Twilight Zone of Anger and Stupidity

Is anyone else not buying Pandora’s bullshit?

All they do is play The Strokes! 

“Oh, you like Wilco? Let's play some Strokes!” 

“Yeah? Death Cab? How about some Strokes?”

“Oh you’re listening to The Strokes? Here’s some more Strokes!”

Your half-assed music genome project is a continuous source of frustration. I’ve had enough!*

More words of wisdom from the office:

Co-worker 1: “I just posted a sweet inspirational quote on LinkedIn”

Co-worker 2: “Nice. What is it?”
Co-worker 1: “It… shit, I forgot.”

“Colorado Springs… that’s in Colorado, right?” – anonymous

Dear God.

*I’ll keep listening, but I’m onto your act.

Here’s a good way to test a salesman who’s asking you for a job: make him create a Christian Mingles profile and see if he can get the girl to sleep with him on the first date. Everyone wins!

You know what I miss? Asian family-owned food marts. When are those making a comeback?

Finally, a few facts you never knew about Marie Curie:

1. Won not one, but TWO Nobel prizes (1903, 1911)

2. Conducted a year-long affair with physicist Paul Langevin

3. Daughter Eva Curie was a total hottie (and won 0 Nobel Prizes)**

** Don't mind if I do!

We're Not Campin' Folk...

No, we certainly are not. Thank you for the reminder, Abby - seer of seers, prognosticator of prognosticators, drinker of any alcoholic liquid in sight.

So this gluten allergy thing seems to be gathering steam. Every day more people realize they have a serious physical reaction to the consumption of gluten. Although this blog was not initially conceived to be a source of uniformed medical advice, the author has included a surefire test to help you, the reader, determine if you are one of the many afflicted with a severe gluten allergy:

Question 1: After eating a sandwich on white bread, do you...
a) say to yourself, "hey, that was a pretty good sandwich on white bread."
b) wash your meal down with a cold brew
c) shit violently for thirteen hours
d) make another sandwich

An answer of "C" should be cause for mild concern... (awkward pause)... that's probably a good start at any rate.

SUMMARY OF EXPERIENCES FROM THE WEEKEND OF JIM AND NANCY'S WEDDING:
Hours driven: 16.5
Miles traveled: approx. 962
Wrong turns made: several
Species of owls observed: 4
Neckties discarded: 1
Pieces of asparagus eaten: 22
Shots of Bulleit rye consumed: too many
Showers taken: 2

Alright, alright.

"... we're bar folk."

Well, no...

But, yeah...

It's the first new post to the Rant since the last sad, drunken entry of March 2014. And it's the start of great things!*

* - highly debatable

Three days into a new job, here are some of the phrases I've heard leave the mouths of co-workers:

"... so that's definitely going to probably happen, I think..."
"It's literally the worst thing ever!"* (referring to a minor glitch in Outlook's email signature settings)
"This is so good I'm literally going to have a heart attack..." (referring to a Farmer Brown's lunch salad)
"You can see that our office actually decreased in production last quarter. So... we need to not do that..."

Keep the wisdom coming, people! We're LITERALLY 60% of the way through the work week! You see the usage there? Is it really that difficult?

(wipes forehead)

Significant life changes I am considering this year:

1) limiting the drinking to one night per week
2) traveling out of the country for the first time*
3) starting to wear Hawaiian shirts
4) getting a new pair of eye glasses after 15 years
5) beginning to pronounce the 'a' in "theatre"
6) participating in a local community beautification project
7) eating a plate of mantis shrimp **

*sorry, Canada; one sloppy night in Windsor doesn't qualify. Good times, though.

**"Think you can handle it, buddy?"

Chances that the author will finally begin posting with some regularity: ~57%