THE EVOLUTION OF JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT*:
1997: really hot and finally legal
1998: really really hot
1999: same
2000: still really really hot but has made WAY too many bad movies
2001: same
2002: still really hot but starting to look a little worn/anorexic
2003: same
2004: can't remember
2005: still pretty hot; Ghost Whisperer comes out; no one notices
2006: can't remember
2007: starting to let herself go a little
2008: Whoa, there it is. SHAMU!
2009: hot again. evidence in Maxim magazine

* - years 1979-1996 purposely left out

I usually give myself 2-3 months between posts in order to come up with ideas. On such short notice, I have been unable to think of anything new. So here are some more suggestions on WAYS NOT TO DIE...

Try not to die by: drowning in an inflatable kids pool. What are you trying to do, end up like Mr. Carver in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? This one is probably the most inexcusable of anything mentioned thus far.
Instead, try getting eaten by a shark in the ocean, preferably a Great White or Bull Shark. To die in this fashion is surely very scary and painful, but if there happens to be a witness with a camcorder, you just made your way onto the next season of Shark Week, TV star.

Try not to die by: falling down an old well. Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it will be to get you out of there? Have some courtesy for the people who end up finding you.
Instead, try skydiving with a parachute that won't open. It's a bold way to end things, and there is absolutely no possibility that you will come back as a vengeful, evil creature like that girl in The Ring.

If you are an American:
Try not to die: while singing the Canadian National Anthem. Everyone knows that God loves people who are patriotic. So if you happen to be singing Canada's theme song, or any other country's for that matter, you might as well just pack your bags for hell. Sorry, I don't make up these rules.
Instead, try dying while singing the chorus from Bob Segar's "Against the Wind." Everyone likes Bob Segar, and God is no exception. If you time it right, you can even add a mild hint of irony to your death. How can you complain about that?

Bars I've had enough of:
1) O'Neills, Salem, MA
2) Finnegan's, South Bend, IN
3) In a Pig's Eye, Salem, MA
4) The Pickled Onion, Beverly, MA

OK it's been a few months (4 months and 30 days to be exact) and it is time for another post. Unlike previous trivial entries, this one focuses on the bigger questions. Those of LIFE AND DEATH  (mostly death).

Every day one way or another we all try not to die. But if you simply can't avoid it and do in fact have to die, here are some suggestions on how to go about doing it. The following are examples of ways you should try and avoid having your life end, along with suggestions for better options.

Try not to die by: being attacked by a swarm of killer honey bees. This way of dying involves far too much flailing around and screaming to be dealt with. This kind of drama is just not necessary.

Instead, try getting attacked by an animal bigger than you, like an alligator or rhinocerous. This will also probably involve a significant amount of flailing and screaming, but at least people will be able to see what you're so bent out of shape about. Because that's another main problem with being killed by bees: it's really hard for people to see them.

Try not to die by: falling down a flight of stairs. That stuff is for old people. If you're still in your prime, this is no way for you to go. Who wants to go through the afterlife hearing their relatives on earth saying "Poor Pedro, if only he'd lived on the first floor."

Instead, try getting thrown down an elevator shaft. That's much more exciting, and it will definitely draw some double-takes in the obituary.

Try not to die by: choking on a hot dog. This would really be a shame. Remember when that girl almost choked to death on a hot dog in Field of Dreams, but then the doctor came off the field and saved her, but he couldn't go back? That was really nice of him. Also, if you choke on a hot dog most rational people like me will assume you were doing something inappropriate with it to get a few laughs.

Instead, try eating improperly-prepared blowfish. You'll get one last exotic meal before you go, and people will at least respect you for trying.

I am going to attempt to update this damned thing every week or so. I am unemployed again, so there is really no excuse.

-magnolia