Things I’m grateful for:
Antiseptic
The corn muffin
Beer
Adrenaline
The roadside diner
Bonnie Tyler

A serious problem I have with Meg Ryan:
Before deciding to show her pale, seriously aging body in In the Cut, this woman was rich and famous for doing the same thing over and over again: playing an annoying, slightly past-her-prime, lovelorn simpleton who traces her way through a predictable, uninteresting plotline only to end up with a less-than-attractive male friend-turned-lover. Look at the people she hooked up with in those movies! Tom Hanks, Nicholas Cage (sort of), Billy Crystal?! To hell with her. I hope she ends up penniless and bald.

Random superlatives, second installment:
Ugliest pro baseball player: Miguel Cairo
Thinnest U.S. state: Colorado
Largest land animal: African bush elephant
Most pathetic sports franchise: Los Angeles Clippers
Coolest physically unattractive actress: Kathy Bates
Most venomous spider: Brazilian wandering spider (Phoneutria nigriventer)
Darkest color: Black

This post has ended.

Another great thing about baseball: the day-night double-header

Animals I’m most afraid of getting attacked by:
Spider
Shark
Dog
Alligator
Cicada killer wasp
Checca
Wild boar

Hmmm… what the hell else is there to say?

The following is a list of soups to avoid:
Campbell’s chicken and barley
Hot and sour

…well I guess there are only two I can think of. Soup is pretty great, in general. Especially if you’re hungry but don't want to waste a whole lot of time chewing something.

RUNNING TALLY... SENTENCES ENDED WITH A PREPOSITION: 2

There really is no excuse for a post of such poor quality. I have trouble understanding why I am voluntarily displaying this to the public. Well that's enough for a good long while let's hope.

Five great things about baseball:
The complete game shutout
The 5-4-3 double play
The knockdown pitch
The suicide squeeze
The sacrifice fly

This is the stuff I like. Not that you’ll see a whole lot of it on SportsCenter, among all of the home runs, slam dunks, and coverage of Michael Vick’s amusing off-the-field endeavors. What a bunch of putzes.

THE SAFETY SQUEEZE IS FOR PANSIES

Recent purchases:
Double Stacker and medium Dr. Pepper from Burger King
Eraser Head DVD (2000 remastered edition)
Two 20-pound dumbbells from Dick’s Sporting Goods
Small Cincinnati Bengals black women’s short-sleeve shirt *
$33.57 worth of regular gas for Honda Accord
6-pack of Sam Adams Boston Lager

* - purchased as a gift; ‘black’ is used to qualify ‘shirt’, not ‘women’

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: THE ADHESIVE END OF A STAMP CONTAINS 1/10 OF A CALORIE

Finally, a list of really cool insects:
Walking stick; Hercules beetle; Praying mantis; Cicada killer wasp; Water strider (a.k.a. Jesus bug); Dragonfly

Well I'll be damned if my idiocy hasn't caused me to lose all access to my previous blog, Magnolia's Rant. Having forgotten my user name and password, I requested that the information be sent to my Notre Dame email account. And having lost access to my Notre Dame email account, I was of course unable to receive the information. So I have embarked on a new blog, a better blog, one whose distinguished quality and style will put its predecessor to shame. Let's give it a try.

List of infectious diseases beginning with the letter 'P':
Poliomyelitis
Pneumococcal pneumenonia
Psittacosis
Pediculosis
Progressive multifocal leukencephalopathy
Pinworm infection
Plague

Well I've had enough of this "being employed" shit. For now...

First Job Summation:
Days worked: 10
Pizzas eaten: 5
Acquaintances made: 14
Miles driven: 378
Customers encountered: 2859
Dollars earned: 475
Resignations announced: 1
Ginger Ale's purchased: 4

I'll let the yuppies, the businessmen, these... suits, get up early and make something of themselves. My life is fulfilling enough: sleeping til 2 pm, playing guitar, watching Dark Angel reruns, creating pointless lists on Blogger, eating Melba Snacks, and doing it all while living in my parents' basement. Hmmm...

Finally, some brief words of caution regarding the Hippopotamus:
These things are mean. Vicious! And very territorial. Of course this image is contrary to the common conception of these animals. But don't let the Hungry, Hungry Hippos game fool you! If you get near one of these mammoths in the water, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. If you do come into close contact with a hippo, and aren't ready to die, and you happen to be with a friend, throw the friend toward the hippo while you make a fast and safe exit out of there. If anyone asks, say the hippo went after him first.
Okay.