Letter to March:

Dear March,

Hey. What the hell do you think you're doing? You are the false hope of New England. The end of February finally comes and everyone thinks "Oh, it's ok, it's ok. March is here. Winter's almost over."

Then what do you do? On your first full day? Dump 10 inches of snow on us. And make me miss work, and get yelled at by my boss because "you're a manager now, and people look up to you." What the hell is that? I'm supposed to drive around in a massive blizzard and risk plowing into a snowbank at 50 miles an hour just so I can go to Beverly and talk to a bunch of mis-fit doctors all day? And I mean our office had a "discretionary attendance policy"... doesn't that mean that I can use my discretion to not come into work and stay in Waltham and watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona instead without having to take crap from anybody?

By the way the rumors of steamy scenes featuring Penelope Cruz and  Scarlett Johansson have been vastly overblown. It's nothing to get at all excited about.

Anyway, I've really had it with you, March. You bring nothing to the table. March Madness? The best parts of it are in April. You don't even have a recognized holiday. Just 31 days of bullshit that we all have to put up with. Even crummy February has Valentine's Day, and even though it ends up costing you unnecessary money at least it virtually guarantees that you'll get laid. But you can make no such guarantee, March.

That's all. Maybe I'll make another entry in April.

Sincerely yours,

Bill

NEW POST

It has been roughly 5 months since my last entry. I realize this is a poor effort suggesting a complete lack of interest and motivation. Therefore, from this point forward I will attempt to update this blog at least once every 3 months.

This post will consist of a list of things that piss me off.

Things that piss me off:

The Baltimore Ravens

People who pronounce a hard 'g' in the word "hang"

Dunkin' Donuts

Email

The state of Virginia

Facebook

Microwaves

Grocery store cashiers who use 10 plastic bags for 12 items

Kate Winslet

Snow

The peanut-salmonella outbreak fiasco

College football announcers

Bad driving

Chinese chicken with too much batter and almost no meat

Politically-themed bumper stickers

The saying "it is what it is"

Psychiatrists

"Family Guy" reruns

People who endlessly quote "Family Guy" reruns

Mice

And as always, Jeff Van Gundy

See you again in April.

The date: August 18, 2008

The time: 8:23 PM ET

The situation: roommate needed, as current roommate Sean has found lodging in Boston.

The response: created an account on roommates.com.

The specifications requested: roommate must be: a) male b) between 21 and 26 years old; c) steadily employed; d) non-smoker; e) have good musical taste.

The results: "Roommates.com has found a match for you. 28-year old male; unemployed; smoker; self-proclaimed Celine Dion fanatic."

The specifications violated: b, c, d, e

What the hell happened to all the 21 to 26-year old employed non-smokers who don't enjoy listening to bulimic Canadian headcases screeching mindlessly on stage? Maybe they're in Boston...

Cities in which psychiatrists have gone to work for me: Dover, DE; Cleveland, OH; Humboldt County, CA; Alpena, MI; Omaha, NE.

Perhaps I will place somebody somewhere half-way decent next month.

Natalie is in Waltham!

A word about the Wilco concert I attended at Tanglewood: The show was amazing. Wilco is perhaps one of the greatest bands of the past fifteen years. And nobody knows who they are. To the three of you who read this blog: LISTEN TO WILCO. 

Suggested songs: Jesus, etc; Impossible Germany; Can't Stand It; Poor Places; Company in My Back; Hate It Here; Forget the Flowers; When You Wake Up Feeling Old.

Good stuff.

Coolest National Flags:

Malawi

Sri Lanka

Kiribati

Martinique

Saint Pierre and Miquelon

Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia

Greece

Honorable mention goes to Libya for having a flag that is essentially a plain green sheet of paper.

Brands I hate:

Old Navy

Dunkin' Donuts

McDonald's

Blockbuster

Comcast

Cadillac

Toyota

Starbucks

Evian

Vitamin Water

Coors

The NBA

The WNBA

Budweiser

A third thing: I want to talk briefly about Jeff Van Gundy. This ugly, bald shit was somehow allowed to become a commentator after a very mediocre coaching career and is possibly the most obnoxious sports announcer of all time. That's right, McCarver. Your lame ass is off the hook. Van Gundy stands alone as the one man who has never said one thing that I have agreed with. Not once. And his completely biased, anti-Celtic agenda was enough to send even the most level-headed fan over the edge. So you can imagine what it did to me.

Finally: For anyone who still reads this blog... do you ever have really bad nightmares when you fall asleep in the afternoon or evening? I do. Shit.

Thank you for your time.

Enough is enough.

The rule in basketball was that a player is allowed one step after he finishes dribbling the basketball; any more is a violation. Then the NBA allowed one step with a jump-stop at the end. Then two steps. Now a player can run around the court like he's at a goddamn track meet and the whistle won't blow.

A foul is no longer a foul. Lebron James decides he wants to pull Paul Pierce's jersey out of his pants on a chase after a loose ball and there is no call. Yet any time he or Kobe Bryant misses a shot, you can bet your ass that free throws are coming up. No joke, in the Celtics-Cavs series, particularly in Game 7, the referees called that game as if they actually were rooting for Cleveland to knock off Boston, or at the very least to make it close.

In addition, no one knows when to call a charge and when to call a block. It's a guessing game. The officiating simply has not kept up with the game itself.

What the hell happened to the NBA? I understand that Naismith never imagined the kind of athletes that would one day play this game, nor the amount of physical contact that would become a part of it. But these clowns have to start enforcing the rules. Namely:

1) Any more than one consecutive step that is not accompanied by a dribble will result in a traveling violation and loss of possession.

2) Any player palming the basketball will be called for a violation and lose possession of the ball.

3) Any player entering the paint on a free throw attempt before the ball leaves the shooter's hands will be penalized with a lane violation.

4) Officials will not treat more favorably than the rest of the league players who average 25 or more points per game.

And if the Lakers make the finals, watch out. Because it will be a disaster. I'll put the over-under on Kobe's free throw attempts per game at 17.

This is an angry blog. I'll try and make the next one more mellow. Not that anyone reads this thing anyway.

Some random sports facts:

Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe was named an NFL All-Pro in 1994 despite throwing 27 interceptions

Rams wideout Isaac Bruce caught 119 passes for 1781 yards and 13 TD's in 1995 and did NOT make the NFC Pro Bowl roster

In each of his last six seasons, Ichiro Suzuki has had either 101, 110, or 111 runs scored; in each of his last four he has struck out either 48 or 49 times

Hall-of-Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan never won a Cy Young Award

In 2001 Keyshawn Johnson caught 106 passes for 1268 yards for Tampa Bay and had only one touchdown all season

Barry Sanders was a 10-time Pro Bowler and 10-time All-Pro in 10 NFL seasons.

No Boston Celtic has ever won an NBA scoring title

Sorry, hockey fans. Nothing to report from the NHL.

Some bands/artists I'm currently getting into:

The Band

The Who

Van Morrison

David Bowie

My Morning Jacket

Stevie Ray Vaughn

The Velvet Underground

Some bands/artists I really hate:

Creed

Bono

Rascall Flatts

Madonna

Maroon 5

Nickelback

Jack Johnson... he makes The Eagles seem exciting by comparison

Some appetizers I enjoy:

Mozzarella sticks

Buffalo wings

Crab cakes

Nachos, if they don't have a bunch of crap on them

I wish Jennifer Love Hewitt hadn't gradually filled out into the body of a 38-year-old mother of three. Remember her back in the late '90's? Oh well.

And Now! The United States National Anthem Written in Backwards Pig Latin:

Yawo yasya yacna yayuo yasee

yaby yahte yads'nwa yawylrae yalthgi

yahwta yaso yarpylduo yawe yahdelia

yawta yahte yawts'thgili yaltsa yalggnimae?

Yahweso yarbdao yartsdepi yawdna yarbthgi yatssra

yarhthguo yahte yapsuolire yafthgi

yawre'o yahte yarstrapma yawe yawdehcta

yawere yaso yagyltnala yartsgnimae

Yawdna yahte yar'stekco yarde yalgera

yahte yabsbmo yabgnitsru yawni yawria

yageva yarpfoo yarhthguo yahte yanthgi

yahtta yawruo yalfga yawsa yatslli yahtere

Yawo yasya yadseo yahtta yatsra yapsdelgna

yabrenna yawte yaweva

yawre'o yahte yaldna yawfo yahte yarfee

yawdna yahte yahemo yawfo yahte yarbeva?

Man, Sports Illustrated just isn't the same without Rick Reilly. Alas.