An Introduction to the Spiders that Live Immediately Outside Our Apartment

It's no secret: Haverhill is Spider Town. Although known for many things - dirty water, seven-alarm fires, a dysfunctional stop on the commuter rail, and Han's Garden - the town is truly defined by its heavy population of spiders, many of which dwell right outside our apartment #10A.

Here they are, with profiles listed in order of ascending proximity to our sleeping quarters:

Name: Pierre
Species: Goldenrod crab spider
Location: Merrimack River dock, adjacent to parking spot 54
Danger level (0 to 10): 0
Notes: nothing to worry about; odds of it reaching the 10th floor apartment are astronomical, and it is not venomous 

Name: Bertha
Species: Tuft-legged orb weaver
Location: left-center of northwest living room window
Danger level: 4
Notes: Recently gave birth, hence her name. Though probably territorial around her offspring, she is on the outside part of the window that doesn't open and is unlikely to gain entry inside

Name: Janice
Species: Unknown

Location: right-center of northwest living room window

Danger level: 7.5

Notes: Though camera shy, Janice is very real. The problem with this one is two-fold: 1) we don’t know what kind it is, which is troubling; and 2) Janice is actually inside the screen, and odds are that one night we’ll forget about her and open up the window, then she’s in the apartment

"Ain't payin' no child support!"

Name: Junior
Species: Tuft-legged orb weaver
Location: bedroom window, outside of screen
Danger level: 5
Notes: bite carries very low toxicity but there is a definite risk of heart attack should he be discovered one night in the bed
Additional note: Did he knock up Bertha?

It would certainly be nice to live in Chinchilla Town, or Happy Bonobo Monkey Town, but we have no such luck. We'll try to sneak in a photo of Janice next time.

Thank you for your readership.

Well Now I've Heard Everything

"She may be mistaken about me ejaculating on her face because she was on morphine."
-Dr. David Newman, in response to a disturbing allegation from the ER

It's never good when things reach this fever pitch in medicine.

Maybe she was mistaken.

Maybe you should stop jacking off on people's faces after doping them.

Who knows?!?

In other news, the Red Sox are doing well, despite the ineptitude of recently acquired pitcher David Price. They paid this tall motherfucker $250 million dollars, too.

I'd say... the price... was wrong?

Go Cap's!