America?

Holy fuck.

I've had it. There are too many of you fat, sloppy-assed shit clowns who are fucking things up for the good ones, whoever or wherever they are.

A few hints, you incoherent wooly mammoths, to help make life a little more bearable for those around you:

1) STOP RUNNING RED LIGHTS
you arrogant cock suckers in your invasively enormous Chevy's and inexplicably oversized SUV's carrying zero passengers and wasting petroleum and space. Wherever you are going, it can't possibly be as important as you imagine. Next time, just leave your piece of shit domicile five minutes earlier so the punctuality of your arrival to your meaningless job is not dependent on your ability to play chicken with cars traveling in the opposite direction who have... wait for it... the GREEN LIGHT and right of way.

2) TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING HIGH BEAMS
you are not the only person on the road, you asshole. And despite your utterly oblivious mindset that omits anything and everything outside your dead-eyed psyche, your blinding high beams endanger everyone around you. Also, IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING DARK OUT. Your vision will adjust.

3) IT IS OK TO WALK UP AND DOWN ESCALATORS
you fat, disgustingly lazy piece of shit. The fact that these magical stairs are moving under your overly burdened, Reebok-clad feet does not require you to stand motionless like a creepy statue as you arrive to your destination. Is it that hard to move one leg in front of the other, or do you feel so entitled that the act of moving on your own is below you? YOU LOOK LIKE THOSE SUICIDAL FUCKS FROM "THE HAPPENING."

4) READ A FUCKING BOOK
I know, I know. The concept of taking time off from your video games, snap chats, reality TV shows, and all the other idiotic activities that should have been shaken off in your teenage years in order to digest the material of a modern day poet is frightening. Well, it's time to make a change. Our language itself is half-dead, having been forced to bow to your complete and consistent ineptitude. YOU ARE RAPING OUR VERY LANGUAGE AND LIKING IT. I HOPE IT RAPES YOU BACK.

Until next time. Heyo.